..........man trap...........

Another restless night........partly caused by the cough/throat/chest...partly by the difficulty in coming to terms with losing Helen.

I came downstairs at 4.30 a.m.......having gone to bed at 10.15........and having woken at 12.04.....for about 15 minutes.......and again at 1.38.........and again at 2.50.......and again at 3.55..........this last one being caused by a dream in which Helen and I were out walking in the countryside..she said something..I didn't hear.......and I  woke myself by asking her to repeat what she'd said and rolling over in bed........ to find the empty space.

The cats had obviously been playing because in the dark I  stood on this rope ball.....and it bloody well hurt.

This week has not been a good week.........I think I'm realising that Helen truly is gone....as the things that have kept me occupied have gradually gone........her clothes, her car, only one more pension/insurance claim to be settled...........and as the things that remind me become fewer and fewer..........then I  find myself looking for her more and more......turning from the computer to talk to her....waking expecting her to be there to snuggle up to........wondering why she hasn't come home at the normal hour.

I  wasn't expecting this.......I thought it would get easier.......but just now it's harder......

I  have another funeral to attend on the 9th March........and I realise that by this time last year I'd been to three funerals, including my Dad's.....and this year I will soon have been to three funerals........and I  wonder when it will start to get better.

Das vidanya moy padruga