Good Grief 175

lost shadows

Uncannily I have gone and done the same thing exactly a year on.
Luckily this one had no fond associations ... I'm fast running out of those.
I'm still aware of trying to catch up with myself but can't quite capture it all and seem to have great trouble catching up with myself at the moment.
I have just been out for 5 minutes fresh air after faffing with vehicle insurance paperwork. Just a moment to try and notice that feeling of immanence, that part of myself that is still in that place 4 years ago. We had astonishingly just had a go at a game of chess. The doctor and nurses said that was 'a first' for the HDU.
Anyway ... it's all very jumbled these days ... with everything. All a mass of fragments - which sort of seems fine now. I've either got used to it or expect little else. Fragments of wonder and confusion. When I did this I remembered the kitchen when I was little and the utter fear I had of breaking anything and the rage that would follow. I don't know why I felt so fearful, there was no violence, no lack of love. Who knows what or why I felt as I did. Maybe that's why I keep breaking stuff now. It doesn't matter. Not really. Depth of love can never be broken. When I think of my husband I think of such safety, a homecoming, a sense of place, a place for me.

Anyway, the amazing thing (and remember, amazing for me, is probably not something that would remotely register for most people) ... the amazing thing is, I decided a couple of weeks ago that I didn't want to be on my own tomorrow and so I asked my friend if I could go round to theirs after work.

p.s. Just in case you were wondering, I thought I ought to add, that isn't a line of cocaine in the top right of the blip, its the reflection of the light on the washed floor!