Good Grief 184

I'd like you to meet Bruce (the spruce).
He is amongst one of my oldest and dearest relatives ... I'm not sure how far back we need to go to establish connection but atomistically there is probably little currently existing, in this place and time at least, that is more deeply associated with me, than Bruce. 
We have known each other for nearly 30 years, well over half my life. He may even have been planted by my late partner; they most certainly knew each other very well.
Call me weird but I always have to catch up with him, he has watched over me and watched me go through so much, he has always been there. I can rely on him. I always touch base with him. Today I hugged him tightly, cried and felt some sense of limbic resonance (ok, we have a tree hugger in our midst - I must be heading back into a phase of anthropomorphism).

I think it is all this unsettlement.
There is no doubting our utter aloneness when it comes down to it.

(I think that is the point for me. This is accentuating that feeling. And it is what, I think this, and the previous blip, are trying to get at. A feeling of being cast out. Adrift. I get that it may be the end of an unhealthy relationship that needs addressing, and that new life awaits - perhaps. But years of grief are just that and we do not know that a better new order will emerge. It will probably just be different. But putting aside, if you can, all the economic and political arguments, there is the issue of family. Yes, we should see all others as family but this is about our nearest and closest. I am not quite so naive as to think political decisions will be based on such things. I am also torn by the Schumacher idea of small is beautiful and have seen enough of working in a bureaucratic leviathan....anyway I'm running out of steam and must sleep).

I continue to worry about what we have done. I have been questioning whether or not I am risk averse and that out of seismic change a new order might emerge which may be part of our evolution. I've heard things like 'short term pain, long term gain' ... hhmm. Maybe it will just be different but unfortunately I feel there is more of Jung about this and our collective consciousness and I am not entirely sure what that is telling us and I am not sure our consciousness is up to it. I would like to believe it is a positively evolving consciousness but am struggling to get behind the idea, I am not sure I have that much faith in humanity.

I'm missing my husband more than ever at the moment.