Cards

TSM and I both got cards from work today. Something of a contrast of course. Her last day at work was characterised by nice speeches and presents and the consumption of large quantities of samosas. We’re talking Hounslow, where they make very fine samosas.

Don’t read on unless you are particularly interested in the self indulgent ramblings of a middle aged man …

In some ways this was the most difficult day I’ve had since being off. work. Had a very sobering occupational health interview over the phone this morning exploring potential return to work scenarios, a complete crash not long afterwards when I felt nauseous and went into that deep and uncontrollable sleep that I hate, an afternoon of feeling down and at times panicky, and (so far) a flat evening. The fact that my very sweet work colleagues sent me a box of goodies and a get well card was lovely, but curiously this had the effect of making me sad. With one or two exceptions I’ve always found it difficult when people are nice to me in this kind of situation.  And I miss them and I feel like I’m letting them down.

Prior to that, briefly, for about half an hour, I felt really good; positive, lots of energy, happy almost.  This was about an hour after coming back from the gym. That always makes me feel like I want to rush back to work and get on with my life. But it is fleeting at the moment and afterwards I felt flat again. Frankly, I’m just confused; I seem to be so many different people in the course of a day that I have no centre, which is a bit scary.  Mercifully TSM has now got ten days off before starting a new job, so I won’t be alone.

Had a very strange dream last night about Aged P.  She was on the other side of the street, getting into a car with a stranger. I said “What are you doing here? You’re dead” and she said “I’m not me, I’m my cousin Joan. Don’t worry dear, we’re alright”; and then I thought how much she looked like me. And she was quite remarkably tall and bent. When I woke up I remember The Dizzle saying the previous evening that I looked like her in a picture he took of me. Analyse that, as they say…

POSTSCRIPT

Later this evening I was googling my problem and found this article on how stress can cause a kind of narcolepsy. It describes my problem perfectly; I fell asleep after my work telecom on Monday, and after my occupational health interview today. During a stressful day at work I can get this two or three times a day. 

And this article describes the key chemical involved: orexin. In short I may have two simple alternatives - wait for them to develop an orexin replacement therapy, or lead a stress-free lifestyle. Mmmmm .....