Pear shaped

Here I  go again - I'm outpouring stuff you may not be comfortable reading, so I give you warning now, my subject is my approach to my own inevitable death at some point. What I believe I would want to do, even if when it came to it I would find I could not and that I have been majorly deluding myself. So if this subject is upsetting or disturbing to you do not read any more of this. I did wonder if this is the place for such a personal outpouring, and whether to delete what I had already written. Does anyone need to read this?Why am I telling people who are in fact not known to me such things? That sort of begs the question of why those blippers that do write a lot in their journals do it . I have no answer to this! I think perhaps for me it helps me to process what I think, examine why  I think it, as well as it being a release, a cathartic process. But having written it why not then say, right, thats done what I wanted/needed  it to do, now delete it. Why do I keep it in this open Journal? Is it to validate my own existence perhaps? My mum used to say I think too much, and what I  have written I would have spoken about to her if she were still alive. Maybe you have become my substitute mums?!!!!
So - who really knows why they do what they do? What the motivations are, what one is aiming to achieve - if you have read this far and have an opinion I'd love to hear it! 
I have made my journal private for the moment - You "lucky" devils are the only ones who can read it if you chose to!!!!! I may delete this entire entry later tonight or tomorrow - but for the moment it stands. So read on if you wish, or click out - I don't promise any of the following will make sense or be interesting or will just upset you ...... but at least you have been given fair warning! x 


The day started so well - warm at 6.30 and blue skies when I opened friends chickens for my final chicken sitting duty. back home and showered and met nellie of the Woods for a walk. We went along the river, up to Cotehele and back to hers through the woods for scones and mint tea. Suddenly it was nearly 2 and she was taking Friend into Plymouth hospital for the usual pump removal. She dropped me at home and 20 minutes later she rang to say Friend was going into hospital by ambulance and could I go up. 
She had had cramps during the night due to constipation and then diarrhea all morning and was exhausted and no way could she face the trip into plymouth. The hospital said call an emergency ambulance. Several hours later it arrived and Nellie went in with her. They are running tests and she is there tonight for the night. I contacted friends who were due to provide meals and her daughter. Whole gamut of emotions going on but by the time I had watered the allotment and put the chickens to bed I was feeling a lot calmer. 
As Friend slept Nellie asked how I felt I would handle a similar situation - I have no children nor a partner so it would be a very different  situation for me. I'm not good at giving things time and never have been - if something is wrong, if I have an issue with someone, or about myself, I want to face it and solve it, even if I know just leaving it alone for a while is the best strategy - relationships have ended because of this! But rather they end sooner rather than take longer to come to the what I would feel to be the same inevitable outcome! I don't like the unknown, I'm  a control freak!  I could be fooling myself but I think I have a clear view of my own death or mortality. My mum and I used to talk about what we would want done if we were ill decades before we had health problems. Drove my sister and dad mad - they were both uncomfortable with the subject. Mum and I  had a pact of pulling the plug for each other or taking each other to Switzerland if  we were in a condition we felt we could not live with. When mum had cancer we were still open with each other. 
I don't know what I would do in a similar situation, part of me thinks I would lock the doors, pull the blinds, unplug the phone, turn off my mobile  and retreat to my bed - in fact I have told Vegan Jo that if such a thing happens she is to give me some time then come and kick my arse into gear and remind me of how I had sworn her to do this to me! I also told my sister tonight that if I am ever ill and decisions need to be made that I can't make, I  do not want to be kept alive in a condition I perceive not worth living. Maybe I would find I could live with a condition, but from where I am now it is not something I feel it is worth the risk taking. Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe I would become a better person and learn more about who I am if I put myself to the test. Maybe I  am driven by fear and am taking what I perceive to be the easy path, maybe what I think as realism and facing something unflinchingly is actually me deluding myself and I'm just scared? Maybe I fear I would not cope and would discover how I am full of empty rhetoric? 

Well - I have to say I am no clearer now than I was before - I think too much!  It  actually  leaves me no clearer so why on earth did I go though this process? Essentially you don't know how you will react to a given situation until you are in that situation - maybe for me thinking about scenarios will allow me to make clearer decisions if it comes to it, because I  will know how I hoped I would handle it and this knowledge would help me cut through the emotion of the situation to make a more considered decision? Time may or may not tell. I'm getting nowhere with all this so best I stop! 
Seriously? You read all this waffle?!!!!   :-0