mess

"Bu adam heykel bilmiyor, dedi. Heykeli tanımamış, eğer heykeli tanısaydı, heykel yapardı belki; kendi bedenini, ikizini yaratmadan yaşayamaz böyleleri." -- Murathan Mungan, Yedi Kapılı Kırk Oda (18)
 
So I figured, what the hell. 
 
I am dazed and confused, lost in a way which feels long and hard to recover, frustrated that I still suffer from the same wound after so long and I know there isn't anything I can do to help it. (Read: I know there isn't anything I should do to try to help it.)
I need this upcoming break.
 
So, Live was buzzing as always, but this time surprisingly easier. The running order was built in such a way that all we had to do was to make sure the microphones were working, to watch if anybody fainted onstage and check if Ms. Hope-Brown was pleased with the overall effort (glad to announce that she was). 
 
In the middle of the most colorful band's performance of Stayin' Alive, my memory card announced that it was full – like a joke. I missed most of the shots of the most colorful band in the show... Anyhow, that was how I noticed someone played with my camera settings to save a RAW + JPEG, thus of course filling up my memory card to the brim! That same person somehow managed to hide the info (light, settings) on my main screen so I had to do everything by instinct. 
 
Anyhow, I don't know if this should surprise me but, my best shots of course were of this young man. I don't know if it's an art/artist relationship; I tried to be as objective as I could behind my camera (and I'm not sure if I succeeded or failed, because nearly all my favourites of the concert include him this way or that, but that might be because of his existential aesthetics). 
 
This photo is not nearly among my favourites -- it's just a boring, ordinary shot with decent lighting and timing, but I guess it represents me today. There is one photograph I chose as my absolute favourite though, thinking it fully represented him and the Live spirit, but I a) let my emotions overwhelm me and share everything, or b) just bury the photo(s) and everything that makes me feel. It seems I'm closer to b, since the first didn’t solve anything earlier.

I'm aware I'm blabbering -- it's been an overwhelming week, a tiring Live, an exhausting month and a half. I'll cut myself some slack, and say that I'm emotionally exhausted and at my limits of standing; I'm quite close to the point where I am so frustrated that I don't care at all anymore. (Also, I noticed Blipfoto has become my online diary, and does not a woman have the right to pour her confusion out onto words, your honor?)
 
At least there was the lightness of drunkenness after Live. (shh.) I didn't think that the age where alcohol makes existing easier would come so fast (for me, at least), but I guess life again pokes me on the shoulder to kindly remind, "you don't know shit, kid". 
 
Anyways, that is that, and I'll be posting a couple of favourites the upcoming days since I won't be leaving home for a while, I think. Some rest will be very, very much appreciated.
 
Hope your days are going better, friends.