Balance

More of my online diary:

Today has been more sorting of photos (and taking new ones like this one -- it's the first two pages of my yearly journal for 2016-2017! I love how every bit represents me. I'm hopelessly loving this notebook, it's too beautiful). I knew I had to sort the whole pack someday, so I chose today to dig into my archive and clean it up a bit, and also collect some photos which I wanted to resurface.

After being persuaded to not act on my very impulsive decision yesterday night (thank you), I also understood more about what keeps drives me back and what pushes me forward. After a night of very symbolic dreams, as always, I woke up to an odd feeling of peace. So I said, why not sacrifice today to the gods of loss and recovery? The interesting thing has been that I was not filled with melancholy or nostalgia when I looked back at the photos of bright months. I saw how much I loved, and how much I've been loved. I felt giddy at certain texts and I giggled, sometimes I bit my lip and sometimes I just had the love wash over me -- my life was full, then, to the brim. I read texts from friends, family, my most beloved ones. They say that if you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph. I watched and I saw what I loved and feared to lose. I'm proud of myself for loving so wildly, endlessly, like an ocean during a storm. I'm proud of myself for capturing every moment I want to remember. Looking at them now gives me happiness and a small piece of peace (intended).

After a day of reminders of how much beauty these eyes and mind have seen though, a small incident made me come back to my current life and the inevitable sting of how merciless time is -- but then I keep thinking, if it weren't meant to be this way, why would all my dreams try to tell me the same thing? I know what my inner confusion, jealousy, uneasiness, uncomfort, heartbreak stem from. I know the path these feelings follow. I need to go through this, one day at a time, one perspective at a time, and meanwhile hopefully not destroying the art I create. I keep panicking about the pain and the sorrow, but I knew this would happen. I'm going to be alright.

(After a long day of staring at them, I feel this very strong urge to delete all the photos I have from this Lise Live, since I have beautiful but intimate ones, thus nobody to share with -- then what is the meaning of art? Is it even art if it has no audience, no appreciators? Would keeping them to myself increase their value, or pull me under?)

I guess we will see. Today was more of an Enter Sandman day, nonetheless it ends with Planet Caravan again.

Days of solitude and quietude helped me so much in finding my balance. I hope I exit this break as a different person than I entered it as, and I hope I keep the balance. I also learned a bit of how to knit!... It busied my mind for a long while, and that was very much appreciated. I like the occasional inner peace which peaks at you from such small acts.

May you all find it for yourselves.