Looking , Watching, Mourning.

Friends funeral - exactly as she would have wished and more.

I did as I wanted - parked a walk away, and then hid between two cars parked along the country road as people arrived. I saw  Friend arrive and once she was carried in and people drew round her I went in . I stood inside the gate by the hedge, trying not to be too conspicuous - hard in a ruby coloured coat but they said wear blue and white and colours so underneath was blue and I wore the coat I bought when she was with me at Cotehele. My endless ability to buy always amused her.


The service was quite long, the eldests boyfriend sang at the beginning and end which was so emotional. Compassionate Girls husband came up part way through the service  to me to ask if I wanted to join them - I thanked him but declined. As people dropped flowers down to  her I walked out and down the lane to stand in a driveway  I discovered. I could see movement in the field and hear Youngest sobbing. First Gallery Girl and then Vegan Jo came to find me and I'm afraid I told them quite shortly not to come near me. I wanted silence and hugging would have broken me. I did wonder what part of my behaviour had not communicated my desire to be alone - short of hanging a sign round my neck saying "Do not approach" I think my impression of Marlene Dietrich was quite good. 
Once everyone had left the field to go down to the next area I went back into the field and said my goodbye to Friend and then left. I let my girls out for an hour then put them and then the allotment girls to bed.

It felt very right to be alone today.


Other friends contacted me during the eve and I responded and sent messages to those I had rebuffed. Nellie of the woods knocked on my door and I was going to turn her away but thought maybe she needed to talk so let her in.

She knew me through Friend  and the Women Who Walk - she told me that at first, before she got to know me, she thought we were partners due to our evident special relationship. It made me laugh as Friend had sometimes thought this was what people thought! I explained that we bonded so well partly  because we were both single and in no desperate need to seek a partner - we were happy as we were, maybe open to offers if they were to  come along but not seeking them. To all intents we were each others significant other - she lived a few doors up the road and would drop in after a stressful day to pinch a cigarette and just unload. I used to think she needed me more than I did her - I was more used to being alone and more temperamentally suited to  it and quite relished it. But we were both there for each other over the years - for both our good and bad times, mutually supportive, knowing each others good and bad sides - I have more bad than she ever had. 

So now my significant other has gone - more than that, the dear wonderful, positive, caring, mindful person Sue has gone, and I can't fully comprehend it and miss her more than I can say x