Fragile

Awful day - Milkshake ran off. I had cleared a space at the corner of the wall where the corner fences don't meet - I hoped this would provide a way for her to get out and into my garden. She watched me prune my Banksia rose and clear the bamboo then decided she would investigate. She got through the gap and sat on the roof of my neighbours shed! She was there about 10 minutes then decided to come back, but she decided to balance  on the flimsy fence, a car came up the back lane and spooked her and she fell off and bolted. My back door was blocked by the black bamboo in a trough and then the sliding lock on the back gate wouldn't budge - I rushed for some WD40 and managed to open the gate. I asked the driver of the car, husband of The Reader from bookclub which way she went - I was thankful she was not run over nor in a heap ion the path. She had bolted through his garden to the front road. Well I looked and called - nowhere to be seen. I checked her old house and discovered Youngest was back so she joined me in the hunt. She finally went home to do a poster and I checked my house to see if she had come back. I had left the front and back door open. I put posts out on Facebook and went out once more.
I spent 2 hours walking round, calling, going home, checking all her favourite places. I met several people I knew and asked them to keep an eye out for her. I met the driver  going to get his children from school and he said he would help look  on his return. I was frantic. Had she opened her scar and gone somewhere in pain and fright to hide. Would she get knocked over on the main road like my last cat. Would she know her way back to me considering she had never been out before to check the area out. Would she recognise the route back to her old home up the lane. I hadn't wanted to let her out, but she so wanted to I felt cruel keeping her in. Youngest emailed me the poster, I put a recent photo of her in collar and with scar, and printed them out, doing another circuit as I waited. Fat Cat I had locked in the bedroom so she wouldn't take advantage of the open doors.
I bumped into The weaver and his wife who I have not seen since Sue died and they asked how I was. Not good I said and promptly started crying. Until this point I had stopped myself from doing so. They said they would put up some of the posters on their walk home. I then went round putting posters on every junction around me. 
I decided walking round looking and calling was futile so went home and carried on with the tidying and clearing inside that I had stopped to clear the garden for Milkshake. just keep busy and don't think and don't panic I told myself. I asked Colourful Mai to do the chickens and planned to sit all night on my backstep if need be until she appeared.
Phone call from Youngest - Milkshake had just come through her catflap! I felt so relieved - didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I went up to get her and had a good chat with Youngest - Milkshake looking quite unconcerned and not a scratch or mark on her to say where she had been hiding. Youngest is feeling fragile, and we are both feeling the same -  reluctance to be in big social groups, days of complete lethargy, disconnection from friends. I think she felt comforted that I was experiencing the same as her, she felt as if everyone were simply moving on, both Sue and her and her sister's grief forgotten. I assured her they were not and we had a good hug and a cry. Anxiety over Milkshake was not what either of us needed at this point in time.  
Once Milkshake was home and had eaten she settled into her favourite spot and slept! So I cancelled Mai and did the chickens - felt good to have a bit of normality in this day. Didn't even mind the 4 rat holes that had been made since my visit wed am!
I think Milkshake will return to Youngest when next I let her out - maybe she will share her time with the two of us! I hope she doesn't decide to move back! Not that I intend to let her out again anytime soon - my nerves couldn't take it - way too fragile at the moment. 

P.S. You can see my new cooker and Milkshake on yesterdays blip! I usually blip once a day - well backblip seems the norm at the moment! But I just wanted to write this day up and try to forget it!