Facing the inevitable

The other day in the nursing home I asked Mum how she was and she said 'not swimmingly'.

After a restless night during which I had a long chat with my friend Rachael in Perth, it was 4.30 here but about midday there, I went to the hospital with Max and Zebedee, Mum looked very uncomfortable with the dreadful ng tube in, we spoke to the salt team and the dietician who said they would continue with it for a week and reassess, my heart sank as I know Mum doesn't really want it, she has pulled it out many times and always said to me and my brother that if she was ever hooked up to equipment keeping her alive that we must promise her we would pull the plug. Thank goodness just as I was taking this in the main Doctor turned up, he took my hand and said that he had reviewed all the notes and findings and there was nothing that could be done and they would like to withdraw all treatment, I broke down, such a mixture of emotions, sadness, relief for her, confirmation of what I knew already, disbelief, shock, relief for her and for us and for me for not being faced with having to make a choice. All the staff are totally amazing.
We went to a private lounge to take in the news and they made us tea.
After crying for a while I needed to take action so we called other members of the family to break the news and I wrote to extended family and friends as well.
Then I called the home to inform them she wouldn't be returning and her financial advisor to get a grip on the situation there. It all has to be done and it has to be done by me.

Max, Zebedee and I went to the hospital restaurant and had lunch, then we went back to see Mum who was already looking so much better with the feeding tube gone, Zebedee thanked her for being a great Grandma and then we walked him to the bus stop.

Max stayed with me for a while but then had to go and do some work, I spoke to my friends Emma and Sally on the phone. I popped in and out of the ward where she was. I waited for Christine the Palliative care lady to come and talk to me till about 4pm, she is a lovely woman with a look of Barbara Windsor about her, she gave me some leaflets and told me what to expect. I asked if she could have her own room and as luck would have it one became free just when Christine went to look and she nabbed it for us. So much better for the family to have some privacy at this time.

I said goodbye and see you tomorrow to Mum and had a chat with the nurses on my way out, they explained that tomorrow Mum may very well be like a sleeping beauty once they start administering medication to calm her and keep her comfortable, I realised I would need to go back tonight, more tears, went home and had dinner with the family, broke the news to Gulli rather clumsily which I regret, it's so hard being in the eye of the storm and so tired to think clearly at all times.
Poor Gulli, he is ok now. He is going to visit tomorrow evening with Lola.

Zebedee said he would come back with me, then my Aunt Jojy and Uncle Chris called to say they would like to drive down and see her tonight as well so we met them at the hospital at 8.30, Mum looked good, alert, wide eyed, clean, peaceful, calm, she definitely recognised us all and gave a big smile at one point, I put some hand cream on her and some lip salve which my cousins daughter made. Zeb sat drawing and Jojy and I chatted about various things to her like what a lovely big sister she has been being 8 years older than Jojy, about all the people who send their love, about some of the music Mum has enjoyed, memories of me and Tom being children and our dogs we used to have. Mum can no longer speak but we all felt that she liked having us there. Zebedee took this photo of us. There was quite a bit of silence too and swapping of seats around the bed. We were all very glad we had been and it was lovely to all be together. We left her in the loving hands of two beautiful nurses called Florence and Goodness.

Jo and Chris gave us a lift and said hi to Max and then headed home, then I had a few glasses of wine and watched some of season 3 of Schitt$ Creek with Max and Zeb which is hilarious and was just the tonic.

It's now 4.30 the next morning and I am awake again so I thought I'd write up my day, each day seems very long, time feels expanded, we are in limbo, I would like to be there when Mum passes but I know I may not be, Christine believes people choose when they want to go, who knows.

The Doctor says it will be days, no one can predict when the end will come but there are signs to look out for and my phone is on, wish I was sleeping better but it is what it is.