Comfort

Mum's hands holding Gulli's cuddly corgi he lent her yesterday, the nurses said she has been cuddling it the whole time. I couldn't bring myself to post the whole picture. She is also holding a photograph of her Mother Joy that I took in for her.

My day started with a phone call with the funeral directors which was a great comfort and then a call to the organ donor register, Mum wishes to leave her body to science so I found the paperwork and took a copy in for the hospital, then I called the Nursing home to find out about final payment then Max dropped me at the bank where I needed to check out a few things, then my friend Kate picked me up and came to the Nursing home with me, I am so glad she was there, Mum's room is locked so the nurse came with the key to let me in, it was just as she had left it, I burst into tears, the room is cosy and homely and we have shared so much in there, on her table was an opened bag of jelly fruits and a few of them in a bowl... I took her white cuddly polar bear from my brother, her 'lovely Mum' embroidered cushion from me and some photographs of her and Gerry and of her Mother on a swing and the one she is holding, also a fake but very realistic pink orchid I bought her that Sue Lindenberg was watering for a long time before Mum told her it wasn't real and they had a good laugh about it. One of the carers was in tears but not able to speak to me, I gave her a hug. Then we met Norman, Norman has been Mum's special friend in there all this time, he arrived a week after her, he is deaf, with no legs, he is 93 and a Quaker and an inspiration, I have written a lot about him here, he asked me if Mum had gone and I said no, he took my hand and said a prayer and just said so many lovely things, he assured me that Lizzie (as he calls her) had been happy there, that the holy spirit was with her, that by all means I should weep and mourn but that my Mum would not want me to be upset, he hugged me, i had tears streaming down my face, he is so brave and so positive and has been such a comfort to Mum and to me, they have had lunch together in the dining room almost every day and he would often come and visit her, he has a motorised chair and is very independent, he has his own garden and shed there and grows veg and flowers etc, I will continue to visit Norman. I felt like I was floating as we left, so much emotion. 

Kate dropped me home and I bought Gary Miller's greatest hits, a favourite singer of Mum's that she used to listen to at home when she was in her early 20s and played to Tom and I that the family all know, I downloaded it onto my phone along with a playlist that I made when we drove to Gerry's funeral of lots of her favourite music, The Beatles, Barry Manilow, Crystal Gayle, Lionel Ritchie, Dionne Warwick etc, gathered up my things, had some cheese and crackers and Kate came back and kindly lent me a blue tooth speaker and dropped me at the Hospital. Before I left a new friend Toby called, he really made me laugh telling me stories of his Dad's funeral and how he and his brother had been flicking through the coffin choices and  came across a photo of a coffin superimposed on a photo of the lake district like a tardis hurtling through space and they couldn't stop laughing, I asked him to send it to me, he couldn't find it but made me something similar and sent it to me, it is very funny in a monty python kind of way.

Sue had already been in in the morning and texted me to say Mum was fine. Mum's older sister Bonnie and daughter Sophie and Mum's younger sister Jojy were there, my brother Tom arrived shortly afterwards, we talked about the past, exchanged current news, listened to some music which Mum really enjoyed... she was so pleased to see the photos, I also took in cards from Angela and Paula my Godmothers she was at school with and Bill and Rachael (Gerry's daughter and husband), a card from Bonnie although she was there, there was another but I can't recall who from, she enjoyed hearing them all being read and looking at the pictures, the room is much more homely now and the nurses remarked on how nice it was.

Gerry's late wife's sister Chris came and we all had tea, Bonnie and Sophie left, I hit a wall and went to lie down in Willow room, a room for families in our situation, I had some time to myself and dozed on the sofa. My friend Peyton called me, he actually didn't know what was happening and was calling about something else but was very helpful to talk to, his parents are preachers and Peyton had a lot of comforting thoughts and experiences to share. 

Then I spent some time alone in the room with my Brother, we talked about what a strain this whole experience has been and all the feelings we are having now that the end is near. I was able to share with him what it was like for me yesterday when I was the one who got the news from the doctor, I cried and he came and sat next to me and put his arm round me. Jojy and Chris had gone by this time. Tom and I went to the cafe for soup and a sandwich.

At 6.30 Max arrived with Lola, Zebedee and Gulliver, we all sat with Mum and listened to more music, talked about holidays we all shared in Uckfield at Old Keepers Cottage, a huge Arts an Crafts house we used to rent with woods and lawns, croquet, trampoline, badminton and loads of room where we had so many happy times when the kids were small. We talked about Christmases and about Gerry Mum's partner of 10 years who passed away just over a year ago. There were silences too and laughter and tears. Mum can no longer speak but we all felt she knew us, she looks into all our eyes, she definitely really liked the music and just being with everyone today. We all said goodbye one by one, I left last and told her there wouldn't be any more visitors today and that she should try and get some rest and I would see her tomorrow, she could go any time, she has seen everyone today so who knows....

Back home we watched some tv, Max made some food, we chatted, drank wine... I am beyond tired but can I sleep??? Max has gone to sleep downstairs, it is pouring with rain and it is 3 am and I am sitting at my computer writing up the day, I hope it may help me to relax... I don't mind not sleeping and being tired but I am getting run down and I don't want to be ill at this time. I will try and sleep....

I have to say that the outpouring of love and support from my family and friends and people on Blip, Facebook and Instagram, many of whom I don't even know is very touching and is helping me a lot, it is also lovely that many of you have shared your own personal stories of loss with me, you are also saying you find me sharing my experience helpful, it is a great comfort not to feel alone and to feel understood and to know that people are thinking about us, thank you for all your kind words, kisses and hearts and for listening and being there while we support Mum in her final days.