Good Grief 268

Having enjoyed the anticipation of a bank holiday weekend break and having made the decision not to travel south with the rest of the world on the roads, I have been disappointed to find myself struggling. It was difficult to get going today. I finally got to my friend's and then had a late short trip here where I came to some acceptance that it is as it is.

After work on Friday, when I had a brief moment of realisation, I made the mistake of thinking it would be ok. I really should know better by now. It only took until yesterday morning to slip. I eventually got out, drove too far embarking on a fairly pointless exercise as storms threatened. It had the logic of being somewhere quiet and I forced myself on with a 'just get on and do it...it's a plan'-mentality.

[note: writing this on bank holiday Monday morning. Just remembered, I woke crying dreaming of my husband....it's already fading...it wasn't happy. I can see his eyes and he's looking at me...he's not well, and I woke crying]

The night before last I met up with his daughter unexpectedly at short notice as she passed through with friends. She introduced me as her step mother, something I would not have presumed to have done. It's hard to know your place (or believe a place exists) in the world when it's not in the usual more clearly, socially defined categories. We FaceTimed grandson Luc who is 9. He was 4 when his grandad died. All those years and so much of their lives has passed. His mum has always been driven and active. She has achieved a great deal. I feel rather ashamed that I have let these five years pass feeling such unrelenting sadness and lacking much engagement in life.

But it is as it is. There is a thread. There is a thread. That thread is mine.
And on Friday at work, someone bought me biscuits and felt real change. And, if I think about it, in one week there were so many stories. Someone said it all helps (even though I feel clueless). I sat with someone who's wife had just died. Someone else said they no longer felt a void and may even become a blipper. Another said they had felt better than they had for many years (although still not exactly skipping). That's just a week. It may not show on a CV but I'm happy with that. We all limp on.