Love

I had such a nice day today. I've not had the greatest luck recently with tragic stuff happening all the time. It's been a really depressing and stressful time for me. My boyfriend doesn't really understand how I work, which I completely get because I'm a ridiculous person with very poor standards of living. Anyway, I get sad all the time recently and he asks what's wrong but I struggle to tell him. I really struggle to not tell him too because I don't want to worry him, I want him to understand that this is how I fix things. This is what I do. I deal with things, I think things over and I process everything that's happening and then I eventually deal with it. I struggle to let others in because of my past. I haven't had a great time with friends or anything else. My prior friends either left me for their partners or they just stopped talking to me; I even found out that my best friend of 6 years decided she used to constantly talk shit about me behind my back, so it's tough to let him in, when we've only had around 4 months of being official. One of my high school best friends even left me for a group of people she used to hate so it is tough. So, my point is that I feel rough all the time. And when I feel like this I feel abandoned, he doesn't notice he does it and I honestly don't see why he should notice that- it's my fault for feeling this way, right? I pay for taxis to his or for him to come to mine when I feel down to avoid bus times, and then he does this thing, where he'll check his phone ALL THE TIME. Or he'll say hi and then go on his DS for hours. I sit and wait for him because I'm sad and lonely and don't know what else I could do, I don't join in and play my own games or do my work because I feel like he might just stop and notice that I'm waiting for him, but he doesn't. Ever. I wait a few hours, then I finally decide "maybe I should do something, because he isn't coming back to me any time soon." So I'll pick up my DS, or University reading and THEN he gets off his game to speak to me. This annoys me slightly, so I continue with what I'm doing. I'll sit silently for HOURS when he's busy to give him his space and let him have fun without my stupid miserable self. But then I go to do something myself and he'll assume I'm pissed at him and refuses to leave me alone until I do get mad. I get mad because he makes me feel like only he can do such things, only HE'S allowed to be left alone to have fun, to do what he wants. And I get that that's not the case. Because as I say, he doesn't understand me fully, and I would never expect him to just sit and pity me all day, I wouldn't want that. I'd rather he was happy and just near me. The part that annoys me is when he stops me from doing my own thing, after I've spent hours letting him do his. Anyway, forget the complaining, that's not what this post is about. I wanted to talk about why this day felt special to me. He still played his game, in fact we both did- at the same time. We played Animal Crossing together and talked while playing it, we shared what each of us got and we were super happy doing so. And he acknowledged me almost ALL day, which felt a little strange. I was really unwell and felt like it was going to be another day where I felt like crap and felt alone and unwanted, but this was quite the opposite. He tried waking me up early because we wanted to go to Laidlaw together to do some self-studying, but I wasn't having it due to my illness. I booked us a taxi so we could leave later, and closer to the time we wanted to get there. This way I could stay in bed just a little longer. He didn't go in a mood with me for doing this, I think he realised I wasn't well this time, because instead of starting up Pokemon on his DS, he just laid back down with me and made me comfortable. He made me feel like he WAS there for me, which just recently I haven't felt (this is my own fault not his). So we went to the library and did alsorts of work- I worked on one of my essays and planned another, and he did... Whatever he did. It was quite late compared to a regular Sunday when we left, so that was good, it just shows that the seats we use are the main reason for our lack of focus- we work better at the closed off ones. Anyway, then we went back to his house. We watched a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy together and then I felt sick again and had a 2 hour nap. I woke up and noticed his DS was on- he played it while I was asleep, fair enough I wouldn't expect him to be bored. But then when he noticed I was awake again, he stopped. He actually stopped. That was strange, he apologised for waking me which was a nice gesture because normally he'd just ask if I was tired or something along those lines. I said it was ok and tried to sleep again because I wanted him to go back to enjoying his game while I was unwell and knew I'd be boring- but it didn't work, and he didn't continue his game. He pulled me over to a more comfortable position and did this thing he does- I'm unsure how to describe it, but I like when he does it nontheless. It makes me feel like he actually does care about me, and I definitely haven't had that feeling before he existed, so it's nice when he does it. So then it got later, and we were still watching Grey's Anatomy, when we both decided to play Animal Crossing- I wont repeat it since I've already mentioned it. I turned mine off before he did because I started to feel unwell again, and then he did his. Again? He turned around, pulled me closer, said good night and then fell asleep. I woke up at 3am in pain and wanted to ask him for something to reduce the pain, but he looked super cosy and I didn't want to stop that. I couldn't. He made me feel so special all day I didn't want to ruin his sleep after that. I wouldn't anyway. So I went to the bathroom and spent about an hour in there to try focus myself out of the pain. I found a spot that made the pain disappear when I went back to bed, but he subconsciously noticed I was back in the bed apparently because he pulled me close in his sleep. So I told myself the pain wasn't there and talked myself back to sleep. We both woke up at a stupid time, and he promised me I'd be okay. He usually jokes about when I say I'm in pain, I'm not sure if he notices that too, but he does. It usually makes me feel like he finds my pain irrelevant (which I hope isn't true but it can feel like that with the wrong mindset) but yet again he didn't do what he normally does. It was good. Good? That's a super downplay. He rubbed my stomach, and told me that whatever I want I can have, he even asked if he could do anything to help it disappear. That's sweet. He made me feel loved for over 24 hours, where normally I feel it in bursts of maybe 10 minutes etc. But then, to top it off, as we were leaving this morning (well afternoon) he told me he booked us a trip to York for my birthday (this is mentioned on tomorrows post as I'm writing this one a day late so I wont go into it too much) which is super nice. I love that he did that, because although I lack any physical emotion to show how appreciative I am about it, I can't stop thinking about it. I don't do much on my birthdays normally as I'm quite boring, I don't have friends and my family tend to be super busy all the time, so I get presents and then have a day in bed to myself. Which isn't so bad. But now I get 3 lovely days away with my favourite person. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. He made it so special, without even doing anything big. I'm unsure if my "depression" is going away for now, or if he just paused it for the weekend, but I'm super thrilled it happened, because it was about time I wasn't a grumpy little crap all day. If anyone actually reads all of this, I apologise for waffling on, and being stupid over-exaggerating my emotions, but for how frequent I'm in a mood, it was a nice change of pace, and I don't want to forget this. I'm so thankful for him.