Sunrise over Crocodile Rock

Things have flowed more freely today. Strange how some days I find myself blocked off from creativity and on others I find myself open to its currents. Sometimes there is a possible reason but often there is none to be found. Although I've got quite a lot achieved at work today my mind has been more than a little preoccupied with the revelations in the finally published USADA report on Lance Armstrong.

I want to write about this tonight because I feel the need to sort out how I feel about it all. It's often not until I try to express myself in written words that I can actually make sense of what are often mixed emotions. I'm not a black and white sort of person. I always see things in grey. And this is very grey, although perhaps becoming less so now.

For many years I believed Armstrong was clean, and that wasn't just because I wanted to believe he was clean. I thought that he was unique, the fact that he was this immensely powerful one-day racer who got cancer and - against all the odds - recovered, rebuilding himself in the process into the ultimate multi-stage racer who has had no peer. Like all great champions he had that holy trinity of talent, drive and opportunity. It was, I thought, just feasible that, with his huge engine and arrogant, highly driven personality, combined with his astonishing story, he could just be the finest rider of his generation and still be clean.

In recent years, as I've become more involved in cycling and got to know quite a few people who have followed the sport closely for their whole lives, my belief in his credibility has gradually dissolved away. Everyone who knew anything about cycling seemed to be convinced that he was a dirty rider. How could he not be in an era when drug-taking and blood-doping was endemic to the sport?

So, none of what has been revealed today is a surprise. It's all stuff that we pretty much knew anyway. But the reality is still quite shocking. The testimony of "Big" George Hincapie is the most damning of all. Here is Lance's most loyal lieutenant and friend putting the knife in to add to the wounds already inflicted by former teammates with a possible motive. George had no axe to grind. He was asked the questions and found that he could only answer truthfully. He didn't want to answer the way he did but could do nothing else but finally be honest.

I still have enormous respect for Armstrong as a bike rider. I think he remains the best cyclist of his generation. His professionalism, work ethic, determination, tactical nous, ruthlessness, sheer ability; none of those are taken away by his cheating. He no doubt convinced himself, along with so many others, that he wasn't really cheating, but just leveling the playing field so that he could compete fairly with everyone else who was cheating. That's not to condone what he did but simply to put it into context.

I love cycling. After meeting Stephen Roche last weekend I firmly believe that all the pros love this sport with a passion. The very nature of cycling means that huge feats of endurance are possible. Cycling doesn't involve the same wear and tear that almost all other sports do. In the case of running, and all contact sports, and every kind of ball game, it just isn't possible for the human body to compete at intensity day after day after day. Cycling is the only sport where such high levels of performance are demanded so continuously. And that is why it has had such a terrible record in terms of its drug and doping culture. It was inevitable. Cyclists are human beings, not machines.

If you were a talented cyclist in the 90s and wanted to make the sport your career and be successful then there was probably little choice open to you but to embrace the drug culture - especially when there were plenty of people ready to tell you just that and provide what was needed. And once you start out on that road there is no turning back. You make your justifications and it becomes your reality. The public want to be entertained. The fans want you to win. You do what you think you have to do.

In the case of Armstrong, he built this huge mythology around himself as an icon for people to believe that anything is possible. He's inspired tens of thousands of people, both on and off the bike, raised countless millions for his charity. There was never any going back on all that. He's been living in a bubble and he's had no choice but to believe in the impregnability of that bubble. He wouldn't have been able to sleep at night otherwise. I suspect he's still living in that bubble - despite the fact that it's now well and truly burst.

I don't want to lose all respect for the man but he's shrinking rapidly in my estimation. He has always used attack as the ultimate form of defence, and very successfully too, but I want to see him come out of his bubble now. He's surely got to simply confess. The public are very forgiving in the face of honesty and humility. But he can't leave it too long. I can hear the clock ticking. I wonder if he can hear it too? Come on Lance, be the hero you have always wanted to be, do the right thing and make your ultimate legacy one of helping to clean up the sport you've tarnished so badly.