Good Grief 334

Tsunamis and other things

All our little internal tsunamis ... 
I posted this thinking of the crazy little tsunamis of last week .... little realising that I would be writing of one that entirely surpasses itself today (Tuesday 19th). They are all, of course, similar kinds of stuff. The stuff we repeatedly bring to the party like bottles of cheap plonk that we take to a blowout bash with people we'd rather not party with. There they all are, I'm sure I've mentioned them before. 'Personalisation' ... likes to take centre stage and then puke in the middle of the show breaking down sobbing 'it's all my fault'. 'Shame' lurks in the corner with his mate 'disgust' in the shadows. There they all are ... I won't bore you with the details. It's just one of those party's that can be so familiar that we wish we'd never gone to.

So, today's was a corker. A difficult afternoon at work. Someone got under my skin. What was that about? Which buttons got pushed there? All the little voices that are quietly sitting off stage see their chance ... a lull in a dull play, and in they jump ... the auto-cues ... not good enough, who do you think you are, you're shit, what makes you think ... etc. and doubt ... why? what went wrong? how did that happen? There was already a doubt .... I raised it this morning with my friend to gauge opinion, that was before it kicked off. I knew something wasn't right. Very high anxiety triggers tricky stuff, panic, personality stuff ....all kick in...it's a vortex... I know that, it gets under the skin, I know that. The expectations, the ramped up pressure, the demands for a lifeline, the deflections and the unconscious manipulationsI should be aware enough to see what goes on and understand it. That's my responsibility...I should be able to step back and work it out. One person's stuff wraps itself around another's like the hug of a python. The trick is to try to see what bits are which, what is being triggered in me, how it's playing out. So hard to shake off. It sticks.  It insinuates. It's not intentional but it is in the nature of it that it finds those places and unsettles. 

And then, unfortunately, after that I started with a new encounter which was also tricky. Last bit of the day. Already wobbly and, bingo. Not sure where I go with this. Already uncertain. Plunge further, deeper into the uncertain world.

Okay, not to worry. Luckily an email from my friend and a link ... to one we both love ... I can't download it at work but know what it's about  ... I send it to my home email. I know exactly what it is. Perfect timing. It will be just the job for later.

Little did I realise.

It was late ... I rang my anticipated visitors who I'm expecting tomorrow. I ring before leaving work knowing it's foggy and late and it'll take me ages to to get home. I say, 'just checking all's okay for tomorrow, nut roast is cooked, key will be out where we agreed, look forward to seeing you both and safe journey'. 

I head home. The phone rings as I'm driving so I don't get the call (I don't think the length of my home trip always sinks in with people). Once home I pick up the message 'you're not back home yet so we've just gone to get something to eat and will catch up with you later'.

Cue - HUGE - misunderstanding. I heard that as, I've got the wrong day and they've arrived, found the house in darkness and that they've gone off to get something to eat somewhere else. My nut roast!  I interpret this as proof of my deteriorated state, my confusion, my very fragile grip on the delicate balance between holding it together and complete collapse. I ring back. Voicemail  ... apologies, shame, more apologies. Tears. Panic. I haven't got things ready. No fire on. House dark and cold. Bed not properly made. Things still to do. Ugh. Which first? Which bit looks worst if not done ... okay, still in my coat I make up the bed. I wonder about what I'll eat. I'm starving. They'll have eaten. Never mind. Where will they have gone. Coat still on ... walk round to the empty pub. Begin to feel a bit angry and think, 'I'm not up to people staying, I can't do this, I'm only just holding things together, it's really hard work keeping it all going .. the fireplace, the electrics, everything, all those jobs, all of them, it all feels like such ridiculous hard work, I'm not in a very good way, I can't do the social thing as well and anyway, couldn't they just have gone for a drink and a packet of crisps and waited for a bit .. I'm not that late and I've left a message saying I've prepared something' and anyway I just wish P was here. Suddenly, of course, grief kicks in. It would all be ok if P was here. I stop and cry. Then I think, for goodness sake, get a grip. Just get on with this. You've plently of time to lick your wounds at leisure some other time. I look in the pub and ask 'are there two people eating here?'  .... must have seemed bonkers ... it was Tuesday and empty. Back home. Light the fire. Phone rings. I apologise. He says, did you think we'd arrived tonight? Yes, I say, I thought you were coming tomorrow and then thought I'd made a mistake when I heard your message. We are coming tomorrow, he says. We've stopped over en route but will still get to yours, as planned, tomorrow.

Cue - Relief (and wine).

What a fascination. What an absurdity. What a car crash of thinking.
Right ... sorry about all of that but at least I've recorded it as an example to myself. Note well. 

And now ...

Cue - the link ... perfect ... with wine ....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k