Action ... part 3

I’m not sure ‘action’ is the right word although I guess inaction is all part of the picture.
It’s all going splendidly badly, although even ‘badly’ becomes difficult to clarify.
Badly in terms of what one might, not unreasonably, expect of a ‘holiday’?
Badly in terms of what we might consider to be an even temperament... let’s not go overboard here and use the happy word.
Who cares ... whichever way you look at it, it’s a pig’s ear.
Once I got here I seemed incapable of stopping crying.
I spoke to my friend and we made plans to meet and go for a walk on Friday (which is today as I write this now) and then I would stop at theirs for the night before starting my journey homeward.
I had an almost entirely sleepless night on Wednesday and just couldn’t stop crying. What a fright I was, I slipped to the toilets before happy campers were up so as not to scare them. I lay curled up in a curtained camper overdosing on Kristen Neff to try to regain some equilibrium.
I decided there was no point staying and I’d just head home even though I’d paid for the next night. What’s the point.
I texted my friend before he’d be going to work so that he could decide to work the day if he wanted rather than use the time-in-lieu day he’d taken for our planned walk.
I apologised and said I just wanted to head home.
How crazy, I’ve come all this way and bailed out.
Anyway, having made that decision I felt easier.
I knew I couldn’t reasonably drive.
I also wanted to be still.
Just to be still.
It’s hard to be still.
I realise that is part of the problem.
When work feels relentless there is some pressure on ‘holiday’ and time off to either ‘do something’, to go somewhere different, ‘a change of scene’, to catch up with those that are not nearby and can’t be seen over a weekend.
To ‘just stop’ would seem like ‘a waste’ of holiday time.
Suddenly something so benign sounding as holiday sounds fraught.
And I’ve plunged into the fraught trap, in spite of thinking I had it reasonably sussed.
Hah, that’ll teach me!!
It can have the added frustration of having to work through every flipping decision alone, all the energy has to be self motivated. That can have the advantage of not having to balance what can be oppositional wishes of couples, families etc. It does though make me realise how much clearer it used to be and can be. If you have a place booked, then that is what you do. Or you negotiate together and make a plan. This has left me the option of reinforcing uncertainty, which is fine, if I decide that is okay! What a bloody stupid species we can be. I am. Uncertainty rocks. Doesn’t it?! Doesn’t it.....?

Anyway, having ‘bailed’, I decided to stay very close to hand, to find somewhere to plunge in healing waters. Both were good. Both were a joy.

I wonder if those patterns on the roof (extra) have something to tell us?

( just made myself smile re-reading this and thinking Kristen Neff could sound like a euphemism for crystal meth! ... it isn’t!)