Broken

"Painful as it may be a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us and those around us - more effectively - look for the learning"

Louisa May Alcott author of Little Women



Thanks for all your lovely comments yesterday.

Right *deep breath* ...here goes...

Yesterday I ended up having a major barney with my mother-in-law. Something that has been brewing for weeks between us. I decided to be completely honest about I felt (rather than the subtle approach). I got a lot off my chest. In fact, despite voices being raised and tempers frayed, it felt good. It felt like we were finally clearing the air. It felt honest. We talked about drawing a line under the past few weeks and moving on.

But just before we finally reconciled, she had a funny turn. In the middle
of the street in Lancaster town centre. She was clutching her head in pain. I called for her husband to come quickly (him and my husband had been walking ahead with the pram to let us 'sort things out').

It soon transpired that it was more than a funny turn. She was having a stroke. We got her to hospital and later that night it was confirmed that she'd had a bleed on the brain. She has high blood pressure, a heart condition, sedentary lifestyle - all the risk factors. They have been doing tests on her ever since. Her speech is slurred and she has lost some feeling on the right side of her body.

On top of this, today she had an epileptic seizure and is now being moved to a hospital that specialises in cases like hers. My husband is by her side. She must be terrified. All I can do is wait at home with Audrey and pray for her recovery.

This is not about me. Any thoughts about how I feel seem selfish when I articulate them. But I want her to get better more than anything in the world and the guilt I am feeling right now is all consuming. Friends and family (and even my husband) have been wonderful - telling me that if she was going to have a stroke, she would have had one anyway. I know they mean well and they want to help me but it doesn't matter what they say - I will never forgive myself for this. Our argument and the stress that caused triggered her stroke, whatever anybody says. And I will have that on my conscious as long as I live.