Behind the mask

Dark, falling apart.
But it's ok, because the mask stops anyone from seeing that. Right?

Sometimes I remember that it could be so much worse.

Last night, when the drugs definitely didn't work and I curled up into the tightest ball possible, it hurt so much that I wanted to go to hospital, but I couldn't move and couldn't even shout corin to help me.

Instead, I cried.

I must have passed out as the next I knew it was morning.

Nobody knew today how bad I had been last night, not even Corin, till I told him this evening. I just got through the day.

The small stuff doesn't matter. Some of the stuff that people think is big stuff, isn't. Life goes on, regardless of how each one of us gets through our days. I wonder some days if I see anything except my own concerns, then I realise that I am no different from anyone else. Whatever is most important to us in the here and now is more important than anyone else's priorities. Fundamentally, no matter how hard we try and how well we do sometimes, we are fundamentally egocentric, self centred creatures. I am no different.

I try hard not to be selfish, but I know I am. Does knowing it make me any better than those that don't know? I don't think it does. Am I going t change right now? No, I don't have the energy. I will just get things done that I need to do and wish away the next few weeks.