Funeral Blues

A sad day today as we said goodbye to Uncle Ray.

I think I kind of 'parked' my grief when I received the message that he had died a couple of weeks back, partly because I was at work at also because with all things, there's never really a good time to cry. 

We had tried to meet up a few times as a family in the last couple of months, but had to cancel twice because he wasn't well enough, and the second cousins had chickenpox. It's a shame we didn't get to see him one more time.

When I last saw him, at his granddaughter's engagement party almost four years ago, we three sisters went together. I took T, as it was the first family occasion on my side, and he was eager to get to know my family better. We talked a little with Ray, and in a quiet moment, he said to me "you've got yourself a lovely fella' there". I always remembered that, and it makes me sad to think that T and I broke up a month or so later. 

Despite the sombre occasion, I felt pretty positive this morning when I got ready. Sister number one had asked that I go with her and Lucy as her husband wasn't going, and backed into a corner the other day, I had to commit. Last night, as we were sorting timings and travel arrangements, sister number two got wind that I was going with her, and was understandably hurt. As life has whizzed by this week, I hadn't had too much time to really think about it, but when I did, I felt sorry for her, once again excluded. 

I was a bit wired from the trip yesterday, and slept terribly, waking at 2am, and 4am. This morning I decided to just text sister number one and say that the other one was coming with us, that she could sit in the back next to Lou etc. I honestly couldn't see a problem, and thought it would be nice for us three sisters to go together with our niece. 

Not so. I got the usual shirty text back to say only one of us could come, and we needed to decide. So I just said that it was horrible to be in the middle, especially as it was hurting the other, and that either both of us went with her, or we'd both just go with mum and dad as planned. Then she texted me a horrible message saying her priority is "my child and her sleep" and "how little she cared about this". 

I don't normally react, but I just said I was sick of her using those words all the time, and that she'd have to go by herself. 

Although I was annoyed, we talked and joked among us on the way, and wondered if she'd come at all. Rosie Poppins (sister number two) had her wisdom tooth out yesterday, so took her pillow and hot water bottle in the car, as we squashed ourselves in the back, just like when we were kids. 

When we got to the crematorium, we were early, so we sat in the car and moaned a bit more about the whole thing! Then sister number one showed up, smiled and got out as if nothing had happened! Of course she had her trump card, Lucy, who smiled sheepishly when she saw us, and then Rosie Poppins broke rank and went to hold her hand with my dad as she toddled down the path. 

I began to feel really tearful and had to swallow a lot. I was so annoyed, and also I think it's because I never cry about things. She was chatty and friendly but I couldn't look at her as the rest made small talk about Lucy. Of course I smiled to her, but I didn't want to stand with her or chat as we waited for the hearse to arrive. 

It was very sad as it always is at funerals. My dad was asked to be a pallbearer, which I think he was a bit nervous about. Sister number two wanted someone to sit at the back with her and Lucy, but we sat near the front with the rest of the family. 

I cried quite a bit during the service, but it was a nice one. The celebrant read all about his life, and I enjoyed hearing about things I didn't know, and being reminded of those I did. There was some lovely reflection music, which I didn't know was his and my auntie Sylvia's song they used to dance to. Tammy

We stood outside afterwards looking at the flowers, and Lucy ran about and played peekaboo in between the hedges. 

We all went back to a little pub in Denham, and we had the outdoor patio area. The time spent with Lucy was nice, and I saved her from face-planting the steps that she climbed up and down about 1000 times in quick succession! She got a bit excited and liked running around all over the decking, and ran off when she saw the balloons, and I had to trot after her! 

We were all given a balloon to write on, and then we let them go. There was a beautiful collage of photos from his life which I spent a long time looking at. After the terrible weather earlier in the week, we were so lucky that the sun shone for him all day. 

I think we all felt a bit flat when we got home. Lucy came back about 5pm as sister number one was going out for the evening and N wouldn't be back yet, so we had her all to ourselves! She wanted to play in her car, and see "Bobo", and she ate her tea and played Lego. She was there till nearly 8pm! 

It's been a sad day, but maybe I just need to have a good cry and then I'll feel better!