Unhelpful

Dear L,

I think perhaps you don’t know (and this isn’t your fault) what I feel like. I’ve been in crisis mode since Wednesday having been in enough of a state before that. It isn’t fair to imply I don’t care about my church family enough or to guilt trip me (you know you can’t fully rely on me anyway) when I am not well.

You can be pleased when seeing you is enough motivation to stop me doing something silly (as it was regarding drugs on Wednesday night) but I don’t think it’s fair the other way round.

I did so much to try to stop myself taking an overdose this week. Many 111 calls, attempts at the sanctuary, spending money I don’t really have just to try to keep myself busy or safe, bringing Brent forward, trying to keep safe.

On Wednesday I ended up cutting my wrist far deeper than before. I’m not stable. Don’t get me wrong, I am sorry to miss out on helping you, for your sake and mine. But I’m ill and I’m trying and when you send me texts like that, I just break down a bit more.

Laura