On the head...

Quite a day today!  Late afternoon necessitated a visit to big nephew to talk through some minor changes to funeral service arrangements and playing ball with the dogs created a bit of a diversion.

Lots to do today.  My sister came over to bring Dad his funeral shirt amongst other things.  We had a bit of a frank exchange of views when I told her that it seemed that nothing I was doing was right.  This was after mega frustration with Dad over silly little things like clothes, keys and headphones...  We all made up after the little explosion.

Then my sister and I went to see Mom at the Funeral Directors. She hated it and lasted approximately 20 seconds in the Chapel of Rest.  No problem.  She has seen lots of dead bodies, but never one of someone she knew before death.  I thought the funeral directors had done a fair job, but of course it didn't look like the mom we knew because the eyes and the lips had had to be closed.  I stayed and spent some time with her.  She was so cold...  But she had her slippers on... And I held her hand and stroked her face ... And told her I loved her.  So difficult to realise that I will never see her again.  I found it hard to leave.  I have trouble with the concept that seems to come up time and time again that the dead body is not the person.  To me, it is the same person.  Because the essential part of us, the part that God knows and loves, the part that makes our identity, makes us us, is not the body, it is the bit that will always be with us in our hearts and minds, the bit that is still there when dementia comes along in the hearts of the loved and loving.  I find that very hard to explain, but I have always believed that My mom is the same person - yesterday, through all those years, today and for ever.  Some things change, but fundamentally she is still the same person I love, I loved, and who loved and loves me.  She will always be with me.

On a different note - the change we have decided to make to the end of the service has to do with the fact that all the "service" will take place in church and there will not be a service at the crematorium - Mom will just be taken there the next day. So we were going to process out of church with the coffin as normal, but then we realised that would not give the congregation time with Mom. So we wanted some music in church for the congregation to stay after we have said our farewell as a family.  I couldn't get a feel for this other than the Matt Monroe song, "Softly, as I leave you", and my sister wanted Nat King Cole, "Smile".  When I was looking through some of Dad's CDs this evening, I found the Matt Monroe one, and inside was a little handwritten note saying "Julie Nixon Track 5 Softly as I leave you"  and I realised that at some point Mom must have taken this track and CD to the Church Lunch Club to a play your own favourite music session.  That settled it for me so I sat and sobbed on the settee listening to this track.  Then I ordered a Nat King Cole CD which will come tomorrow, with "Smile" on it so we can have both tracks and family harmony will be intact...

Tomorrow has the potential to be equally challenging.  One step at a time until the funeral on Wednesday.