Not the best of days. I should have joined this blackbird and shoved my head in cold water.
I booked part of this week off using up holiday days before the year end. I had intended to go down to mum and dad’s but it’s all got a bit depressing and I was torn by the constant feeling that I neglect things here.
I feel overwhelmed. Work overwhelms. So I am glad to stop.
But then everything else comes in like a tide that has been held back. Not that I am unaware of its constant presence...waiting for its moment for the opening of the floodgate, even just an inch or two.
A house that hasn’t had anything done since we moved in. I don’t think I am responsible, it’s not a condition of the tenancy but it feels a bit neglected and skanky and cluttered. But then there’s the garden, it’s only small but winter battered. And there’s fresh air and a bit of exercise and maybe something different, but what ...? I can’t decide. Maybe this, or that. Or just rest. But there’s so much that rest isn’t possible. Okay so maybe a bit of this and a bit of that. Damn it, just decide and stick with it. But then there is everything, every action. I’m sure I’ve said this before. Every cup of tea. Every shop. Every decision about what to eat, cooking. Every bit of motivation has to be drawn out of the well and without any external encouragement, chivvy, shared purpose, imposed or forced structure or routine or responsibility for other. And then the guilt of not being able to manage this one solitary life. The shame of it.

So, I imposed structure. I rang the chimney sweep, the most urgent thing, and shaped around when he was able to come. That forced a decision not to go south, even though I’d packed ready. I let my brother know and we discussed plans and his daughter’s next appointment for a scan.
The sweep meant clearing the living room. I caught up with his cancer treatment and his worries about his son. I cleaned up and have made a start on other jobs, a bit of painting, but soon realised it’s too much. So I abandon that and get some fresh air but don’t enjoy it much.
And then there’s thoughts about trying to sort stuff around wills and directives and I just don’t know where to start.
I went swimming with my friend when she finished work. Heard news of the first virus case known to us.
We went to the pub and that tide wasn’t able to hold back and I just ended up spontaneously crying as I was talking about the classic bit of chipping away at the wall that becomes bigger and bigger until you realise it’s not just a quick lick of paint that will cover the cracks.