Not walked in the woods for ages due to the crowds but as it was drizzling I thought I'd give it a go. We all got very muddy but it was fun.

25th radiotherapy today. 3 more to go. As we're nearing the end I'm starting to look ahead which makes me feel anxious, thinking about scan results and how much rests on them. I've got till roughly the end of June and three more rounds of chemo to go before a rescan. I've been coping so far by just taking one day at a time so it's hard looking further forward. Just have to keep telling myself this treatment works for most other people, why wouldn't it work for me?

I had a letter this week through the door which is a copy of what the oncologist sends to my GP. I've always said I don't want to know the size of my tumour and stage of my cancer (because I don't want to make comparisons) but the letters include some detail. I noticed on this week's letter a number had changed on the description. I asked my oncologist about it and he said the number related to the location off my tumour and the likelihood of recurrence. So they've decided it's actually worse than they originally said. Dr M said it made no difference in terms of my treatment, it would still be exactly the same. But when I got off the phone the word recurrence stuck with me. I've had to cope taking one day at a time, focusing on just this stage of my treatment to avoid feeling overwhelmed and panicky. But it seems like every positive thought is chased by a what if. What if I go through all of this and it hasn't worked. What if I get through it all and it comes back. How am I ever going to get back to normal?

The Voice inside is saying "you will beat this, you will beat this" but then that "what if, what if". Why does that have to be so bloody loud :0/