The Wall

You are walking along fine with everyone else and the sun is shining and all is well, then you walk SLAM into a brick wall. And it hurts - it really hurts. It hurts your head and your chest where your heart is and your stomach. And it shocks you as only slamming into a brick wall can. It stops you dead in your tracts. And you stand there thinking, "How did I not see that coming? What the hell happened? How could someone just do that to me?" And you look around and everyone else seems to be walking round the wall. They are carrying on like nothing happened and the sun is still shining for them. They don't even see the wall. They don't even know it's there. And you realise you didn't even know it was there till you hit it - you didn't even know there was a brick wall you could hit - not now, not at this stage. And slowly you pull yourself back together. The pain in your stomach has turned to a sick feeling and your heart still hurts, your mind racing with questions about this brick wall - How, What, Where, Why??? Mostly WHY??? Why on earth would someone make you walk into this wall - why did they have to put it in front of you and no-one else?

And you can walk again now the pain in your stomach and maybe your legs has lessened. So you slowly make your way around the wall and to the other side. But it doesn't look the same on the other side. It's greyer and emptier. And you know you've left something behind - something very precious and you want it back. So you turn round and there is the brick wall behind you and it seems to hit you with the same force again when you realise you can't go back. It's blocking your path and it will always be there. You pummel your fists on it and cry and shout at it but it's unbreakable and absolute. It won't let you get your precious bundle back - that has to stay on the other side and you must carry on without it. You can't go back to the path you were on before you hit the brick wall - it's impossible. So all you can do is go forward and walk on from it. But it's hard going and your legs don't seem to want to walk away from it. You know when you look over your shoulder it will always be there. It may fade a bit from view but if you look closely you will always be able to see it - even in the distance. And you look around you again and see all the people who never hit the brick wall carrying on too. You tell some of them about the brick wall and they sympathise - it must've hurt they say. You are looking very well despite this brick wall - you have no cuts or bruises on the outside because those heal. So you must be doing ok then now they say. But my wounds are on the inside you feel like screaming. How can you not know about this brick wall - why couldn't you walk into instead of me? And then you feel bad - you know you wouldn't really want anyone else to walk into that wall.

Some people are ok - maybe they have seen the wall themselves in the past or came close to it - maybe they are really good friends/family who close their eyes and do try to imagine walking into the wall. They are the ones who help you keep walking away from it. People tell you that you'll never hit this brick wall again - it only appears once in your life. And you want to believe them even though you can't ever be sure. Up ahead it looks like maybe your path does cross back into the sunshine again - the same sunshine that everyone else is basking in. And you can maybe just make out another bundle waiting for you to pick up and carry with you for the rest of your life. And maybe if you are strong and keep moving forward then you'll reach it one day. But it's not the same bundle as before - it can't be. That one is behind the wall. The wall that's always there if you look over your shoulder. And written on it forever more is the message in letters a mile high, that only you can see "My darling baby. RIP". by Rachel Butterworth for her daughter.

Today is 6 years since my baby son died. He died in front our eyes. He had yet to be born. He was full term and there had been no issues with the pregnancy until the very end and even then we were told it was nothing to worry about. If it was we will now never know. If he was trying to tell us of his problem, of his entanglement we shall never know.

What we do know and have done since that day is heartache that has no name. If a person has no parents they are an orphan, if a person has lost their spouse they are a widow, there is no name for someone who has lost a child because there is no word to describe that pain.

In those 6 years I have met and spoken to so many people who have said goodbye to their baby that it is horrifying daily. I have changed almost beyond recognition. Life can never be the same. We lost a precious innocence that day. Nothing is a given.

Sweet dreams Jacob.