Letter of Complaint!!!!!

Managing Director
Tesco Stores

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am usually a cheerful upbeat kind of chap. I have a sunny disposition and a positive outlook on life.

I am a morning person, I am usually up with the larks - singing away in my unique, idiosyncratic, tuneless style. Doctors tell us that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, in order to maximise it's potential, I usually have two.

First breakfast usually consists of a combination of muesli and crunchy nut cornflakes followed by an invigorating dog walk.

Second breakfast is always toast; and this is where the problems start.

Why oh why, oh why have you sold me a toaster which cannot toast a whole slice of bread? What an amazingly crap piece of design. Why have you not made the slot the same size as a slice of bread? If you study the enclosed photo, you will clearly see the top 27% of the bread remains untoasted. This is a disaster.

My mood has changed for the worse, I am emotionally unstable, I bite peoples heads off without provocation and I have turned in to a grizzly, grumpy bear with a sore head and tooth ache - all because your sodding toaster only works for 73% of the slice of bread.

My GP sent me to the Citizens Advice Bureau. They tell me that under the Trades Mis-description Act the toaster is clearly not fit for purpose.

I demand a full refund and compensation to cover associated costs that I have incurred. These include (but please do not consider the list exhaustive, it is growing all the time)

1) Half a jar of marmalade

2) 2 weeks worth of breakfasts which I was forced to take at the Bristol Hilton as I could not make toast at home

3) A mega size pack of painkillers for the current Mrs Mart who got lots of headaches whilst listening to me moan and whine

4) An extended appointment with my acupuncturist to help deal with anger issues

5) A large phial of lavender essential oil which I mistakenly thought might calm me down a little

6) A new stress ball, I broke my current one

I await your response. My therapist asks that you please consider this urgent, as she is fed up to the back teeth with me does not have any more appointments available for me.

Cheque or cash will be fine.

Yours etc, etc

Mart