Perspective Shift

Phase 1 Day 26. Just the progress photo and a couple of tasks done. Good weather and good mood made me decide to go on a pre-workout walk outside our compound.
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Am on Holiday's chapter where he talks about how destructive anger is, how a burst of pent up emotions by a grown up ruins and haunts someone possibly forever. Reading this has triggered heavy feelings mostly of frustration and regret. I have experienced several of these outbursts where among the worst was last year on New Year's Day. Every time I remember it, I find shaking off the disappointment challenging. They say no matter how many times you do yoga or eat healthy, if you do not pay attention to your mental and spiritual well being, you will still feel rotten. I know I do not owe my story or truth to anyone but maybe writing about it could help me find that elusive forgiveness I have been craving for the longest time: It was New Year's, I have been totally immersed in doing Jeff Cavalier's Max Shred program and I "achieved" the "goal weight" I set to have for that particular day. I then walk in the kitchen, a stranger was eating at our table non-chalantly said I got fat. I did not say anything but I then went to a different room, paced angrily and shouted expletives. It was the worst feeling because more than my anger to the unknown person, I disliked how I said to my family that I will work so hard that no one would ever dare say the "F word" to me. I said I don't care if I die in the process but I would no longer want to hear anyone call me fat ever. I stomped, kicked and basically threw a fit with ugly tears. My mom saw me and just hugged me. There. That is a preview of the proverbial skeletons in the closet. Am wondering how many years it will still take to heal the inner child. Mood stabilizers might make me calm, anti-psychotics might help me sleep and exercise might help give me dopamine and serotonin hits but the deep scars I caused by acting without thinking might still be there.
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Hopefully, you did not really read this entry and just looked at how lovely the sky is here today.