Part of Your History

I just started listening to some music that I haven't listened to since the fall/winter of 2006. It's really taking me back... I was braver back then.
I just read an article in Paste about the Decemberists that also made me a little homesick for Portland. (As if I need help with that.)
In 2006, I had just moved 3000 miles away from my home state. I didn't know a soul in Portland, but I made friends within a few weeks.
I remember the first few cafes I would try.. a little surprised here and there to find some amazing cappuccini. I remember it being extremely sunny every day. I was living in a hotel for a month in NE Portland.
I loved that neighborhood.. right by the Lloyd Center.
I was grown up, taking care of myself, working my first real job. I did it.

I can do it again. I'm looking forward to moving somewhere else now. I've been back home for almost one year now.
Where was I this time last year? I had just returned back to Portland after discovering that my dad has cirrhosis. Next stop: liver failure. I cried all day that Sunday and into the following week. We were at a Greek Orthodox Easter celebration with some family friends. I knew it was time for me to come back home and be close to my dad. I've offered him part of my liver several times.. He hasn't been feeling well lately, some heart attack scares, trips to Houston to see his doctor, stress tests, blood tests, MRIs..
He might have ascites.. his belly has gotten much bigger. If he has ascites, he needs a transplant. Once again, I'd be happy to give him mine. He said he doesn't want to risk that for me.
It is my biggest fear/dread to think of something taking him away from us here. I just have to know that God has a plan for all of us. I'm just scared right now, that's all.
I guess it's good to know that even though I am missing what life I had in Portland - an amazing city that I am SO blessed to have lived in and enjoyed for two years - I am where I am supposed to be right now.
The crazy turns and decisions (albeit impulsive) have brought me here.
I am humbled by my actions. Who I've hurt along the way. I just have to trust that even though I have behaved poorly in situations with people that I loved, God has a plan. I'm really good at feeling guilty.. but once again.. what good does that do?
If I don't stop feeling guilty, doesn't that mean that I don't trust that Jesus was enough for me? I've finally let it all go. I can't change the past. I can only trust in the Lord every day. So the past three years - for each of the three people that I ask forgiveness from - every step of the way, I trust that His grace is enough to cover me.

So cheers to the 22-20s, the Wreckers, Phoenix especially reminds me of walking around NE PDX to find some Thai food, Blue Merle, the Fray, Augustana, Greg Laswell... these bands all bring back memories of 2006.


Don't you know I still remember
How once I was someone to you
Girl, your were meant for something better
Doesn't matter anymore what you think of me
Just proud to be part of your history
I knew the time was coming soon
You were growing up so fast
Sometimes you could lose so much when you try to make it last

It's amazing what feelings and emotions music and lyrics can bring so close to the surface.

And that's all she wrote.