Gone

Back blipping.

I didn’t sleep a lot and not sure why, but kept checking on B, although he was fine. Got up feeling sad and cried a lot throughout the day. 

Maxine and Emma came and it was refreshing. They cracked on, in tune with each other, and although they had not met before, they liked each other, and both are very fond of both B and me. They repositioned him from his left side to his back, with a plan to move at each visit. I sat most of the morning with him, we went through 2015 on the photos, and when I wasn’t talking I played Cream, Argent, Santana, Pink Floyd, none of whom I’m a fan of, but B’s favourite bands. 

At about midday B developed a gurgle in his throat, I called the nurses office and was advised that it was normal, to make sure he was on his side at the next call and they would send someone. So, Maxine and I turned him at the 1:30 call. Later the nurses phoned back, apologising that they were very busy and could it wait until the scheduled 4pm call to change the driver. He hadn’t worsened so I agreed. That all happened and when Max came at 5:30 we decided to leave him until the late call to turn as he seemed so comfortable. Max sat with him while I walked dog quickly for 20 minutes. When I got back she said she thought his breathing had changed. I sat with him, talking and holding his hand. At 7pm the gurgle worsened and his chest also was bubbling. I called the nurses again. Someone will call or come out she said. At 8pm I called again. I’m so sorry I’ll phone her again I was told. No details now but B passed at 8:10. Emma and Becky, the two carers for the late call arrived almost at the same time. They took one look at me and took over. Becky contacted the nurses while Emma came to check B. We both sat with him, the frown was gone and he looked very peaceful. 
Becky finished the call and told me that it could take 6 hours for the nurse to come and verify. As she told me that the phone rang and it was a nurse asking how B was. All systems are screwed, and I’m sure she felt awful when I simply told her she was too late. Emma sat with me while I called the boys and then we did the British thing and had tea! I know Emma would have stayed until they arrived, but I wanted my last time with B on my own, and she understood. I was remarkably calm. I think I had cried so much during the day, with hindsight I probably knew. It wasn’t long before Jackie, the nurse who had visited that afternoon called and said she was on her way, but would be 40 minutes. So, I sat and talked and held his hand until she arrived. She of course was lovely, and so respectful to B. It was a light moment when I told her I wanted him to have some clothes on (he had been hot during the day so was unclothed with just a sheet over him). Together we rolled and tucked and got some joggers and a tee shirt on him. 

As she finished and was leaving the boys arrived. She had told me what to do next etc, and so they all spent time with their dad, before, at midnight I called the funeral directors and within half an hour they arrived to take him. Dog had ignored B all day, not wanting to be on the bed, but when they took him out the house He was shaking so much I had to pick him up and soothe him. 

If this has made hard reading I’m sorry, but for me it needed writing to complete B’s six week journey from diagnosis. I am in awe of the nurses and carers who have cared, really cared for B. Emma was in floods of tears as she said goodbye to him and left earlier. Thank you too to readers who have visited, sent gifts and cards, made dinners, sent messages. You have all upheld me. 
RIP B.