Seesaw

Up and down day doesn’t cut it for today, more like a seesaw!

The photo is the guitar of flowers that was on the coffin, what to do with it we all wondered, so it’s propped up in the courtyard!

I slept more than I have done for ages, Liam was due to go to work and therefore, leave early; so I set an alarm, just in case. The alarm woke me, I had slept from 3:30 - until 6:45! I’ve set an alarm for tomorrow in the hope that my brain is fooled and I sleep until it goes off!

I was ok this morning, the boys still here (Liam had messaged work that he wouldn’t be able to get in) and so we went back to The Ship where a couple of yesterdays attendees had stayed over, and joined them for breakfast. Liam and James joined the couple for a walk to the beach and along the green, taking their time and enjoying the sunshine. When they returned, they loaded up the cars, large gas bbq included as it’s no use to me now, and at around 2pm they all set off home. 

Almost immediately, a flatness overcame me, one of the boys also described the feeling as ‘lost’. I sat, and did nothing. Nothing (those who know me will know this is not ‘me’ for over an hour. Then I made an effort - I wrote a list of all the things I still need to do - for tomorrow! 

My brother asked me today if now that B’s journey is over, will I continue to blip? It has been my way of daily coping, and at the same time, a record. I may never re read it, but I might want to remember it and need it. But, I have been blipping since 2015 and it’s part of my life, so will continue. I am going to apologise now if it becomes a sad, miserable, ‘woe is me’ kind of journal, because that’s what I feel like right now, but I hope I will pick up, and find some joy in the future. I will be keeping comments off, because I don’t yet have the energy to reply to comments or even look much at other journals. Everyone else has a life that goes on.

I am dreading going back to work next week. Dreading the people who want to commiserate (with no understanding), dreading the people who ask ‘are you ok?’ Of course I’m not, but I will answer ‘yes, I’m fine, thank you.’ Dreading the people who don’t acknowledge it at all, I know they don’t know what to say, but this is my life turned upside down, don’t just ignore it! Dreading the people who avoid me. 
So, if you see me next week, be aware there’s no pleasing me! I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way really, just as my reaction will depend on the day and how I’m feeling! 

So, having told my brother I’d probably only writing a sentence or two for today because I haven’t done anything, here I am with half a book! 

Tomorrow is another day, and one with lots to do, I just need to find some motivation!