I’m Trying Again

I was going to just write this in yet another notebook but I felt it might do me good to vent a little on Blip so I’ve returned. 

I’m not talking to my younger brother again. Unfortunately, I had to spend time in his company on Saturday at my Mum’s, not through choice. I’m done. He speaks down to me, dismisses anything I say and says things like, “I was talking to mother, not to you actually!” I call out his behaviour to my Mum, I get upset, she defends him. It doesn’t matter what I say. I tell her how it makes me feel, she dismisses it. They both gaslight me.

They both have much more comfortable lives (both financially and physically) than me. Money doesn’t mean anything to me. I only want to be well. They never see it. My Mum comes out with platitudes such as, “Just think positive” after me telling her I feel helpless, hopeless and suicidal due to my fibromyalgia.

I have been incredibly proactive and have spoke to and had appointments with GPs, physiotherapists, A&E consultants, nurses, psychologists. I’ve been to the Pain Clinic after months and months on a waiting list and have been told I need a year’s worth of physio. I’ve long given up on GPs helping me manage my fibromyalgia.

My GP is good. She listens but has run out of ideas in terms of pain management.

I am dreading Christmas. I always loved Christmas. It was my favourite time of the year. I have never been an envious person but I wish I had a loving, supportive family and a support network. Not medical professionals who try their best but my own life, my own family, as far away from my actual family as possible. 

It’s my 41st birthday between Christmas and New Year and it will come and it will go. I have some brilliant friends but I don’t want to burden them as everything is so difficult with the cost of living crisis, many of my friends say they feel the same way. I know I’m not alone in feeling I would be better off without my (very small) and emotionally unavailable family.

Please tell me that someone reading this feels as I do? I feel so alone. Please tell me that someone reading this has a family as cold and toxic as mine? 

All of the people I want to talk to have either passed away (family and friends) or won’t answer their phone (I don’t blame them for not wanting to talk to me).

I have told my Mum countless times I feel suicidal and I can’t go on much longer, festering on NHS waiting lists. She doesn’t care. I say it doesn’t feel like she does, she denies it. I have cut them out of my life before. I made the mistake of talking again. I am moving on. I can’t live like this any longer. I need some hope. I don’t know where to begin with it all but I’m done with my family.