Wet Wednesday

An early blog today. I reluctantly rang up the doctors this morning and thankfully got a callback from a much more compassionate GP. They were, as I expected, very busy so I felt very fortunate to get a telephone appointment.

I asked if I could not get a particular GP (whom I spoke to last Friday) as he and I don’t gel to say the least. The receptionist said that she couldn’t guarantee that and that there were six GPs available today so I crossed my fingers and got lucky. A new prescription until I speak with my own GP in the New Year. I hope it helps. Hoping it will be ready before Hogmanay as they must be rushed off their feet.

I spoke to my Mum this afternoon and made my feelings clear about my hurt and disappointment at her lack of support or compassionate reaction towards my struggles with my physical and mental health. If you can’t get support for suicidal thoughts from your own mother, I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t expect her to change at her age. She has always favoured my younger brother and always will and I have fully accepted this. I have made it clear that I will not have any contact with her going forward. I’m determined to begin the process of building a happy life for myself in 2023.

She is having significant problems with her house and some work that was done to her roof following a leak in her roof but it is no excuse for the way she speaks to me. The whole situation has been mismanaged by my brother. She told me on Monday evening to “get lost” and “go bile my heid” when I told her about how my fibro pain had made me suicidal.

I have cut her out of my life before and this is the final straw. I told her today that she doesn’t deserve me as her daughter, that she is only ever there for me conditionally or when it suits her to be to save face with others and as soon as my brother is around, she is even worse. I told her I refuse to be made to feel like this by her. She has failed me as a mother and she has no excuses. 

My only regret is that in wasting so many years of my already diminished energy on her and the rest of my family, I have missed out on precious friendships and relationships. I hope those people will understand in time although I have no idea how to start those conversations.

She is dismissive, critical and vicious about anyone I tell her has helped me emotionally. This tells me that she knows she is in the wrong. She even said when I go to talk therapy, all I will do is “slag her off and blame her for everything” which is indicative of her missing the point - it’s always all about her. She mistrusts therapists even though I have told her therapy has saved my life in the past. 

I wish I had not been such a people pleaser throughout my life. I have tried too hard to keep the peace and I have paid the price.

I was really hoping to get out for a walk today but it’s so wet here again and I didn’t sleep well so have resolved to wait until the weather improves.

I have had an on/off toothache (my teeth are very troublesome as I have gum disease) and I’m so sorry for the very unexciting Blip of a new toothache gel I bought last week! I really hope for drier days to get some outdoor shots but the weather and my health are against me at present.

Given my dentist has gone private overnight, I thought this and Bonjela might help control the pain until I can get a dental appointment. There are 5,500 patients at my dental practice and many of us in the same boat re finding a new dentist. It’s really worrying me as I have no idea how I will afford treatment. I feel like anyone without the means to pay for essential treatment like dentistry are being treated like second class citizens - it’s like something out of a Dickens novel.

The local Dental Helpline was very helpful when I rang a few weeks ago. They have told me that my current dentist has a duty of care to treat me for a period of three months (it will be nearer two months now) so I will have to add getting a dental appointment to my list of things for January.

Thanks for all your kind comments and stars :) xx