Self conscious

Seems a bit strange to post this with that title, but its a honest reflection of how I feel.

There is an alternative to this shot and I agonised over which one, but wondered whether the other one might get me told off...not rude by the way - I promise.

Stuck for blip ideas and wanted to try out new flash gun and see whether I could bounce the flash. Also wondered if I could somehow get the salamander on my back in a shot....

So, here's where you will see that I am really quite self conscious. I was uncomfortable being naked in front of my own camera, with no-one there to see me, except me and the lens. To the extent that I avoided looking into the lens, or facing it front on at any point!!!! I felt like I was doing something really naughty in trying to capture (essentially) my own back.

Subsequently of the twenty pictures I have taken I have discarded 18, and cropped the other two and significantly adjusted levels/highlights etc, in order to bleach out what I consider to be one of my major flaws - my stretch marks!

Whilst doing all of this, I reflected on the fact that I am fundamentally so insecure about my own self image. I have nothing to be unhappy about - I'm not a stunner, but I wasn't last in line for a reasonable face. I have lost a lot of weight in the last 4 years and I was pleasantly surprised at the fact that I am comfortably a dress size smaller than I actually thought I was. And yet I find so much to be self critical about. It makes no sense. Particularly when I have Corin around who does remind me of my good points!

What is it about self image? I don't know. Is it just me? But I know that I don't see in myself what I think others see - in fact I doubt myself so much sometimes, in so many regards. But, paradoxically, I am not unhappy and I wouldn't change myself...I think what I want is actually to have some sense of seeing through someone else's (less critical) eyes....maybe thats what taking self portraits is about?

Maybe I'm just feeling really bloody down in the dumps because I am on my own until Friday most likely and I'm not good in my own company !!!!