Need to dig a little deeper

This is a photo taken by John over the weekend but I liked it so uploading it today.  I don't feel like taking a photo today.

I had the histology results today.  I had a partial response.  This means some chemo resistant live cancer cells remained, but these have been cut out and some of the cancer cells had been responsive to the chemo.  Hence why it is called a partial response.  We knew I had 2 cancerous lymph nodes originally.  They actually found 5 with cancer of the 15 removed.  I am feeling devastated.

Best case scenario would have been a full response.  All cancer cells gone.  Worst case would have been progression, the tumour growing.  So I fall in the middle which is a tricky place to be. 

The positive is - it is no longer in my body and thank goodness I elected for the full node clearance.  

Next step is radiotherapy to target any cancer cells remaining at a cellular level. 

Then there are a couple of other options too.  I may be eligible for a clinical trial which will hopefully improve my chances of it not coming back.  And also if my mum gets re-tested for the gene mutation and she has the same mutation as me,  then another drug may also be available. 

So many uncertainties, maybes and worries and I don't like it at all.  I am so full of fear.  I will try to shake it off and dig a bit deeper.  I am sure once the results sink in I will be able to focus on the positive parts and pull myself together as I had to in the beginning of this.