Be it ever so ugly ...

Let's get the blip out of the way first. It's just the grotty interior courtyard which is best to keep your back to when you sit on one of the window benches along my ward corridor in the Mater hospital. Day after day while I've been out of circulation, the sun has shone brightly our of a clear blue sky, temperatures have been in the mid twenties generally speaking, and it's been intensely frustrating to look out at it. Car managed to give the camera a breath of fresh air and spread its wings outside the hospital confines, but I've been stuck without any such opportunity.

And yet, the miracle of modern medicine makes even this ugly view something special. I had a session with the physiotherapist who'd threatened me the previous day with an assault on the lower slopes of Mount Everest. In real terms this turned out to be 18 steps of a staircase leading off our corridor, but it was 18 steps down and 18 steps back up again and I never in my wildest dreams through that I'd be able to do that at this stage.

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So, here we are, a week and a day since quadruple bypass surgery, and I'm just sitting here waiting for a bed to become free to which I can be transferred for a period of convalescence care. It will be four weeks tomorrow since I walked into Beaumont hospital for my angiogram and was kidnapped there and then.

I've managed to keep a Hospital Journal during the whole time, I've blipped most days apart from a few when Carl stepped into the breach while I was in Intensive Care and High Dependency. All in all, I reckon I'm well qualified to offer some tips and pointers to both existing and potential practitioners in the medical profession. Make no mistake, I've been very fortunate, and have been given great care and attention on the whole. But there are still things which you spot when you're in the middle of the whole bustling business, and I just can't resist offering a few sets of tongue-in-cheek notes, beginning with:

BEHAVIOURAL NOTES FOR NURSES

1.
Always enter a ward already speaking. Avoid conversational niceties such as 'Excuse me ...' or 'Sorry for interrupting...'. Remember that your query or problem is always of greater importance than anyone else's.
2.
Research blank expressions of disinterest in front of a mirror in privacy. These will be invaluable during the course of shift change-over briefings. A lump of chewing gum lazily moving in the mouth is an invaluable aid for perfecting this technique.
3.
At the conclusion of the shift change-over briefing, ensure that you speak as loudly as possible at precisely the same time as everyone else. (Note 1: This ability is inbred in females of the nursing species, and so come automatically in their case. Note 2: This effect is all the more impressive if topics of conversation are restricted to what boy was shagged the night before, or in which restaurant, bar or night-club his wallet was successfully emptied.)
4.
Promise patients immediate attention in a very loud voice as soon as the call for help. Do not, however, follow through on this promise until at least another thirty minutes have passed by. An effective variation on this technique is to commence attention immediately, but to leave the patient languishing alone behind closed curtains for an hour or so. (This technique is particularly effective with male patients if they can first be persuaded to take their pants down, leaving them all the more vulnerable and helpless.)
5.
Do not take too many notes during shift-change briefings. This merely wastes time, as complete details of prescribed medication and current medical situation can be found in the 'chart' (aka ring-bound folder) at the foot of each patient's bed. Do not be deterred by any changes or inconsistencies when it comes to handing out tablets. If stuck, simply ask the patent's opinion or ask them if there's anything they'd really like: painkillers, something for the bowels?
6.
When asking a patient about his toilet habits, make sure to choose a moment when there is an absolute lull in the prevailing conversation around the ward, and then, in as loud a voice as possible, ask 'And did your bowels move today?' or 'Would you like something t help you move your bowels?'
7.
It is important to ask the question: 'How are you today?' in a tone of total and utter concern, but to pay no heed whatsoever to the response. An effective ploy when dealing with a difficult patient is to respond to comments such as 'I have a headache' or "I can't get comfortable' or 'my back is sore' with irrelevant chatter along the lines of 'It's a lovely day, isn't it?', 'It's a bit chilly out there', 'God, but I had a rough night in town last night' or other variations along these lines.

[Further tips will follow for catering staff, cleaners, porters and so on.]

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I've been busily occupied during the morning doing some back blipping, and now here they are:

Sunday, 21st June
Monday, 22nd June
Tuesday, 23rd June