Magnolias

This darned thing: to constantly be missing someone and at the same time being an overstimulated mom who, like Chilli Heeler from Bluey, only needs twenty damn minutes sometimes without anyone coming near me; it's a struggle. I long for someone's company, and I want to be alone. 
But at the same time, no one can make me fucking relax like this lovely person, he manages to loosen my tightly clenched fists and to get my thoughts to shift down instead of up. I learn it time and time again. He is good. This is good. I am not unworthy.

This weekend, at his suggestion (!), we paid a visit to ikea and bought new bed sheets, the old ones were so frayed that they were torn apart just by looking at them. And today we went to the haga bath, I've been wanting to visit the oasis for years. We got a duo treatment with back massage. The masseuse commented that I am very stiff. Eheheh yes. This is what happens when you're stressed out and your shoulders are permanently attached at ear level. After lunch we parted, and I somehow managed to get into trouble with a Nazi before I got home. It's so fucking scary how clearly the boundaries are being pushed now, people are becoming more and more daring, threatening, mean. 

I think about who I want to be. Somewhat soft, but still firm. I want to make myself clear without being mean. Friendly, without letting go of my principles. I want to trust my principles. And surround myself with kind people. 

I leaned against my colleague who put her arm around me and said that she have understood by now exactly how cynical I can be.