Love and unconditionality

Big and Carrie, for me, are the power couple. They speak their minds, they argue, they respect each other's differences but still have their moments, where it's just the two of them- deeply, madly, truly in love. I have had 3 relationships, and several romantic and casual encounters, however, this last one, was more like theirs, it was this gut-wrenching feeling of needing the other person, of feeling secure and being understood.

You experience that, and boy, how can you ever again imagine to settle for anything less. But this post isn't about mourning a certain someone, it's about realising that I lived the most incredible 2 years, and would do it all over again. The truth is, there were times we had no reason to believe in us, and times where we couldn't stand being in the same room as the other person, and we passionately decided to go our separate ways. But we ended up running back to each other, closer and stronger than previously and falling even more in love. You keep falling deeper and deeper and you can't even be sure if there's any end to the well, but what if you don't get a chance to figure that out? You're stopped in between , not by personal differences, but just by timing. You gotta let it go, and you mutually decide to.

The fact is, he still is my fondest memory and I've never felt more sure about my feelings for him. When I lie in bed, I can't help but feel incomplete because I don't have my seat belt (his leg) around me, or miss being cuddled tight like this force that restrains you, but you want it to, or our pillow talks. Oh boy, our pillows know everything about us, because there's nothing under the Sun we didn't talk about. He knows my dreams, ambitions, my insecurities, my strengths and all my fears and respects me for the woman I am. I would like to imagine that I know most things about him too, certainly felt that way anyway, and I love him. Listening to Justin Timberlake's Mirror reminds me of him, he is my mirror, and my conscience when I don't want to face certain realities, he runs to me even when I tell him I don't want him around just because he knows that I need him, but most importantly, he listens.

I'm yet to meet someone, who is so patient and tolerant because if you knew me, you'd know, I'm the one to speak my mind, I like to express how I feel but he listens. The second thing I miss the most after cuddling?- definitely the way he understands me. I miss sharing how I exactly feel, cause I'm pretty certain you can't be that open with everyone. I want to be though, regardless of all the deep-buried secrets, I feel like sharing things with him, have changed it all for me. I've told someone once, I'm ready to talk to anyone about anything. But who wants to just talk now. People need to get things done, or want something in return, we've quite skilfully replaced the 'just talking' sessions with doing things.

People might say that it's just loneliness that I'm going through, and I'd agree. I feel like people just don't want to express how they feel anymore, they want to sweep it under their beds, sleep on it, and store it in them , until they explode. Will I ever find a guy who I'll fall in love? Yes, I know I will. But will I have to settle or will he be exactly what I need him to be? You know, the truth is, after knowing that someone like him and Big exist somewhere out there, you just can't settle. Because, you will compare. You will compare at different occasions and moments the two people and you'd think of What Ifs and Could Have Been. I'm not trying to erase any possibilities, but at least this is how I feel now. Maybe a greater, more powerful love will come my way, but for now, I'm gonna say that I know where my happy place is.

I told him that I can't talk to him as friends for a while. I don't know how long that while will be, but I can't keep doing this everyday. I wait for him to wake up, for him to message me, I call him whenever I think of him, I listen to our songs, I miss him, it's just like when we were together. Saying I love you still isn't exactly helpful. Im a very rational person, but with him all my reasons go blur, I don't want to accept or settle. I need space to fill it with something else.

People say I need to keep myself busy and I know that love is an energy, I just need to invest it somewhere else, into something that I love. I will do that, I'll keep doing that but what can I do when there are moments, where you just want to have nothing on your mind and relax, and your mind takes a trip down the memory lane?

Live, love, let go, repeat- but I just wish we didn't have to.

There was nothing wrong with us you know, nothing has ever felt so right.

Not gonna lie, sometimes I actually felt we were Big and Carrie- but then aren't the tv shows highly overrated...

I realize this post if filled with a lot of contradictions, but that's what the head situation is right now- it'll get better, I'm working on that.

Signing out.