The Christmas tree tale

When we first moved to Victoria we lived in a building that didn't allow pets, barbeques or live Christmas trees. Also, no smiling, no laughing and definitely no having any fun. (I kid) We moved in a couple of weeks before Christmas. I bought a tree from the local hardware store for $18. We still have it. It's a bit scrawny looking and takes a couple of hours to unbend all the branches, but it actually looks quite nice once it's done up.

The year we moved into the Kipper, Fred was so excited that we could have a real tree. We found a perfect tree on a lot down the road. He and I stood by it until one of the scouts came to help us and when we turned around to say "We'll have this one" the tree was gone! Someone had come up behind us and walked off with our perfect tree! The scout found us another one, but I didn't really check it over cos I was still bewildered by the disappearance of our perfect tree.

Anyway, we get the tree home and man-handle it inside only to discover that the trunk is actually bent to one side and I can't get it to sit straight in the stand. After struggling for some time I eventually get it to stand up. Two minutes later the tree topples over on top of Fred! So we right it again, the branches are starting to spread out in the warmth and I notice in the middle there's a ball of fluff stuck to the trunk. But it doesn't phase me.

Much later, nine-ish, the tree has stayed standing, so I decide to string the lights. I start at the bottom and as I get halfway up I notice the tree appears to be ... moving! I step back and the top is definitely quivering. I get my face up real close and I see loads and loads of little black hairless caterpillars exiting the fluff ball to climb up the trunk, over the top and back down the other side!!! I GAG and GASP and LEAP BACK and Fred's shouting "WHAT! WHAT!" and all I can do is gag and gasp some more, then grab the tree, cast iron stand and all, drag it across the living room, down the hall, through the door and heave it onto the front garden!! I run back in the house, Fred's stood on a chair pointing out little black crawly things that had flicked off the branches as I dragged it through the house. JESUS!!

I roll the tree up in a 9 x 12 plastic drop sheet, twist the ends round a few times, throw it in the back of the car, and take it back to the scouts. It looked like a massive sweet rolled up like that.

I was unbending wire branches well into the night, and scanning for black hairless caterpillars. I still quiver whenever I remember the year of the real Christmas tree.