Dazed

Today started out bad but turned good-ish.
Woke up on five hours of sleep to be yelled at, edit essays and watch my mother cry in response to how I have almost shattered my family. I cried. In school. For then second time in a week. I need to find some sense of self worth to stop doing that.

I hurt Evan by messing up this too. I thought they were going to prohibit me from talking to him but now I think they will. The limit of the probably of them allowing me to visit him is approaching zero though...

I was not allowed to use my phone today and it felt surprisingly freeing to do work. Now, dad thought the work I did was crap...but we need to start somewhere.

Today was the orchestra bake off. Courtney won with her tie dye funfetti cake. (Pictured) You go girl. I love her.

Things have precariously cooled off here. Please God give me the guidance to get through this and stop hurting others. Last night I wanted to die. That was the first time in a long time that awful, gut-agonizing feeling of hate and desperation took hold again. However, even today's slight improvements are a reminder that things do get better.

I'm going to sleep early because I am too wiped out in every sense of the term.

"Love your sisters. They're the only witnesses from your childhood."-don't know who said it, Courtney told me