Day 27

I am a day late writing this again but I feel compelled to write about how my day went, even if I don't do any thought records.

Morning: depression -3, anxiety -2

I slept/pretended to be asleep till 10. Massively did not want to have to start being sociable again. Was so counting down till 2 when I could leave. At 10 I decided (knowing Amanda had been reading for some time) that I would just have to acknowledge the morning. Once I had done this, things actually felt slightly better. I got on with getting up and having breakfast, all the while willing time to speed up. I don't think I was especially depressed as such, just not feeling in my comfort zone. Sometimes it is a difficult line to draw.

We went for a walk. Again, I didn't make all that much conversation. I was struck by the number of people going about their lives and how most of them don't know Jesus as their Lord and Saviour. I just don't know how they cope, it saddened me thinking about it. Again, maybe a healthy/normal sadness.

Afternoon: depression -6, anxiety -4

Finally the time came to leave. I felt a bit like Amanda was glad to get rid of me. Hardly surprising to be honest given how subdued and probably boring I was. This made me a bit sad. Travelling back on the tube, I got pretty paranoid people were looking at me and in some cases judging or talking/whispering about me. I didn't have much energy and couldn't wait to be off it. It did at least help when it was a bit emptier and I only had a person on one side of me, not both.

Similarly on the train from Kings Cross I felt watched and thought the people behind me were whispering and moving about because of me. I sort of recognised this was unlikely and irrational. I didn't feel like doing anything; I didn't have any energy. I wanted to lean on something but didn't want to be touching the train window. In the end I made a sort of pillow from my bags and half lay across the seats. I wasn't very happy. I decided I just wanted to go home and not bother with church. I couldn't be bothered to be nice to anyone (not that I needed to at that point, I just observed that I couldn't face hearing about others' problems as I felt too overwhelmed by my own). I felt guilty about things and wondered whether I should go to church.

Once off the train I found myself walking towards church despite having completely planned to get the bus home. I arranged to see Bibs briefly before church as I was going to be early. This all picked me up a bit and I wasn't too bad in church. Although I did worry way too much that Bibs would not like me/find me boring.

Evening: depression -5, anxiety -5

When I got home I felt like there were so many things in my head that I needed to go through. Then I got a text from Alice inviting me over. I was tired but kind of wanted to go. I thought I needed some time alone to calm my head down a bit first so said I would come over in a bit. I half considered cancelling a few times but got on and went.

The cycle was horrible both physically (the wind was strong and it began tipping it down with rain) and mentally. I was really not very happy. I can't remember everything that was going on in my head but I know there was a lot of guilt eg if I am managing this, surely I could work? I also felt pretty angry with various people about things I mostly completely knew were not in the slightest bit bad. I was in a pretty bad mood. But then I hadn't really had a proper meal since lunch.

Once at Alice's, I got totally distracted. I felt sad when she was talking about how she felt worthless following her recent break up. I worried too but it all felt quite different to how I might have felt in similar situations in the past. Healthier sadness, perhaps?

I got a terrible headache and was very tired. Maybe that's a sign I pushed myself too far? Or maybe that's just normal for people? Maybe I am a fraud? And lazy? Argh.