i took it for love,or at least something beautiful

the concept of love has come up a lot lately. in conversation, in books, in theory, and (perhaps most importantly) in practice.

a year ago i thought that falling in and out of love was the worst thing that could have happened to me. i was crushed. i had thought that i only wanted to fall in love once, and i was so sad that i had to experience a broken heart. over the past year, i have come to realize the immeasurable value of heart break. it's just a part of life, and i feel...privileged...to have loved once. and to know that pain.

i was talking to a friend the other day about our ex-es. he said that he saw no point in being friends with your ex-es. i disagreed whole-heartedly. ive always felt the absolute (and sometimes all too desperate) need to redeem that relationship - with friendship. it was too much a part of me to not have it...be a part of me any longer. we are friends now, and it's really good. and every time i talk to him, it is a reminder that all things are redeemable, that nothing in this world can crush us, and that there is always hope. there is profound beauty in the ability of the heart to recover from such things.

i have learned a lot about redemption from this relationship. talking to him now is so delightful. because all of that other stuff we once shared is still there, built in, and permeating, but it has somehow been transformed. i always get this sense of fullness.

i am aware my words are inarticulate and insufficient. im not at all conveying what i'm trying to.

i feel relatively untouched by "sentimental" things in regard to him. there are lots of things that remind me of him, lots of tshirts i still wear, and photos, and drawings still hung. and they make me happy, not sad.

but last night i was watching a movie, and a large portion of the movie takes place in prague. in that city i met him for the first time after 7 months of being away.

i saw him for 48 hours in prague and it was magic.

i felt like someone punched my stomach last night and stole my breath. ever so subtly. it was quickly reduced to a dull shortness of breath. but it lingered.

upon reflection i feel happy to know that i can still be affected by it. it mostly just means it was a love worth having. or, a love worth being sad over.

so: here is to love and fall and all things beautiful.