Day 48

In the morning I felt really sad with the feeling of a weight pulling down in my tummy. I also felt a bit anxious as well but was not really sure why. I possibly felt like I was really missing someone. Overall, quite emotional. I wondered whether it was because I had eaten a lot. I often do feel quite low if I have. Then I think maybe I'm not depressed. But I don't think it's normal to feel like that.

I then napped until it was time to go to Helen's. I really didn't want to get up and surprise, surprise, was late. I felt a bit fragile and a bit flustered and then it was time for coffee with Lou.

That was really helpful and encouraging. We talked about being scared of judgement by God. There were some very useful things she said such as the suggestion that even if I don't feel like I am excited by eternity with Jesus, then I can be totally honest with Jesus about that and ask Him to show me His love and change me. Any problem, I can take it to Jesus and ask for help. We talked about John 6:37:

'All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.'

How reassuring! I might think I have committed the unpardonable sin, but Jesus has said He will not drive me away. He loves me. He wants me to be in eternity with Him. Any prayers that I pray about being saved, they are ones He is going to answer for sure.

That is such a relief. No problem seems too big if I have God at my side. Many things seem impossible to me if I stand there facing them on my own. There is no way I can be saved by myself. But that is just the point. It is about what Jesus has done. When there are challenges and warnings in the Bible, they are given by God out of love. He is telling us now so we can do something about it now/get Jesus to do something about it for us! We should not go away feeling discouraged and give up. Challenges should bring us running back to Jesus, repenting and asking for his help.

I was filled with dread as I felt that life like this would be oppressive. But Lou reminded me that God has created all sorts of things for our enjoyment. We are meant to have rest. It is good to enjoy beautiful scenery, good music, friends, fun... We talked about how some of these things could become bad, like if we were watching iplayer for so long each night it meant we missed out on quiet time the next morning. Or if it got us craving something we shouldn't. Etc. But this was wonderfully freeing when it hit me.

Also God is a God of love. He has given us free will. I always have slightly struggled to understand why God didn't just make us perfect to begin with. I think I am building up a bank of understanding about this though and it dawned on me that a God who loves us so much to give us free will according to our salvation, surely such a God wants us to enjoy doing things. I'm a bit concerned that I am not saying this very well but I think I know what I mean...

I wondered whether the fact I am depressed is just that I am not giving things to God enough. Not the first time I have wondered that and probably not the last. Lizzie said that it is true that we could all give more to God but depression is an actual medical condition that I have. But I still should be giving it to God and asking Him to help me use it to glorify Him.

Church was alright after that. After the service I was a bit scared about socialising but it was ok.

I was highly anxious in the evening. I could still feel the after effects of it for quite a while after I had supposedly calmed down. The initial worry was about germs in my bathroom. That was the big one but then I worried I might have made Lizzie unhappy with me. I asked for reassurance, knowing I shouldn't. She helped me work out whether there was any reason why she might be. She suggested that she is fairly resilient and also that our friendship is not as shallow that it might break if one of us said something that upset the other. This is actually something Lucy often said about friendships. I feel as though I still struggle to believe it a bit though but good that I have had it from independent sources!