Day 49

The day started in a hurry as I was due to look after Lydia at 9.15. The buses were not on my side and, despite leaving the house at 8.15, I did arrive a minute late. I hadn't realised that Beka had actually left me twenty five minutes to be late! So this did cause me quite a bit of stress.

I was mostly ok once there. It was quite fun playing with Lydia, even if it was quite exhausting. I guess I did begin to count down to Beka arriving back.

After Beka had dropped me off at Tyndale, I felt a little bit rejected. It has been far worse in the past though; this was bearable. I definitely do seem to have this belief that Beka doesn't like me.

Thought analysis time! Why would Beka dislike me? I guess this stems from situations in the past where people have decided they don't want to be my friend. In particular, my 'best friend' at school. I used to be far less secure about friendships because of this, but I think this is still a remnant faulty belief from then. Being aware of this, I can label such thoughts as unpleasant, intrusive OCD style, low self-esteem thoughts and leave it at that. Just because I think them doesn't mean they are true. Emotional reasoning wouldn't stand up in court. Nor would a lot of things that perhaps should but let's not go there.

What evidence is there that Beka might in fact like me? She has said she thinks I am lovely and that she likes me very much. She sees me quite often. She asks me to look after Lydia sometimes. I suppose that could be because Lydia likes me and this way Beka doesn't have to have the trauma of seeing me too. But is that really very likely??

Beka doesn't really talk to me at crèche but that is most likely to be because there are people there for whom she feels responsible and she gets to see me at different times.

She generally doesn't answer the phone to me. But Helen says she just doesn't really answer the phone.

She hasn't replied to certain emails where I have been stressed. But I do remember her saying in the past that if she doesn't immediately reply to an email, she forgets and how that is sometimes really bad because there is something she really wants to reply to but she doesn't know how and then forgets and she said that is really bad and gives completely the wrong impression of how she feels. She is pregnant as well and has her hands full with Lydia. Shall we not get too worried about this?! I think it is fine..probably..definitely. Full stop.

Tyndale was O actually - I finally finished the project I have been working on for the last month. Hooray! Then I wanted to leave but I felt guilty as I hadn't been there very long. I hung around a bit and then realised I needed to change the format of my work so that took a while and then I went home.

I made myself some nice, albeit late, lunch and sat in the sitting room sorting out some stuff. I felt quite productive and, dare I say, normal. It was nice not being in my room - it's such a mess that I think I just feel overwhelmed by it when I am in there and everything feels worse. I felt far less burdened and much clearer in the head. Of course there was a part of me that panicked about this.

I also antibac-ed half of my house which was quite pleasing, although slightly OCD-anxiety inducing. Maybe certain things are now OK to touch? Or maybe not? What could still be bad about them? Not sure. Can't quite get my head round the problem here. I'm not too worried though, it's OK.

I began to get more anxious that Lizzie didn't like me. And that Beka didn't like me...

Helen invited me over and I said I would come at 5.30. Ten minutes after I should have left I started to panic about how I was going to be late. The logical solution at this stage didn't seem to be just to get a move on and go, but rather to get in a tizzy. This put me in more of a state. Finally I got going and phoned Lizzie as I walked to check things were OK and I hadn't made her dislike me. That was OK. But I then started missing Lucy massively, not helped by the fact I had to walk past where we used to have appointments. I became very emotional. Four weeks tomorrow till I see her. It is going to be a disaster. That is fortune telling and I shouldn't do it...but I am pretty certain I am going to really wind myself up and then cry all appointment, not do anything helpful and then just be desperately sad I don't get to see her again. I am going to have to come up with an action plan...

Once at Helen's (35 minutes late), things felt OK. I did get pretty tired though. I didn't have enough sleep last night though so no surprises there really...