Day 50

Struggled to get going so had to get taxi to the station in the end so I wouldn't be late getting to London for Naomi. I think I felt a bit low/anxious towards the end of the train journey and on the tube. I was only a few minutes late but felt a bit bad about that.

Coffee was alright but Naomi was quite low and I struggled a bit to help. Before too long it was time to see the psychiatrist. I feel it was quite a good appointment really.

He started by asking me how things had been. I said - a few weeks of being very sad, followed by a week of being particularly stressed that I was OK and not liking the numbness of my emotions. Then the stresses and OCD over Christmas. Then being unwell physically and that messing things up for me emotionally.

I need to start being on top of my mood chart again - I hadn't even taken it with me but he wanted to see it. Eek.

Naomi said I should say that I am now part leader of my bible study group at church. I didn't really understand all the questions that followed...
'Why did you do that?'
'They asked me.'
'Why did they ask you?'
'Um, I guess because I am a female.'
'Right...'
'There are desperate for female leaders.'
'How many people are in your group?'
'Eight or so?'
'So seven of them are male?'
'No, but...'
'So how many females are there?'
'Three or four.' (I feel like this was a slightly odd answer from me...!)
'So why did they ask you, not the others?'
'They probably did ask the others but they had less time or didn't want to or something.'
'I think the point is that they wouldn't have asked you if they didn't think you were capable.'
'Maybe.'
'Why do you think they thought you were capable?'
'I don't know..maybe because I probably come across quite confident in the group?'
'How?'
'I guess I answer quite a lot of questions.'
'How?'
'...'
'How are you able to answer the questions?'
'...because I knew the answers...?'
'But how do you know the answers?'
'From having picked up things from having been a Christian for nearly three years, I guess.'
'How have you done that?'
'...I don't understand?'
'Well how have you remembered it?'
'Um...the same way anyone else does?'
'They don't, why do you think I am furiously scribbling down what you say?! I can't remember anything.'
'I don't think I am the only person who remembers anything.' (I was really struggling to know what he was on about.)
'I often sit through a sermon and come away unable to tell you a thing from it.'
'I guess I was the same till I started taking notes on the sermons.'
'Well you have been very ill the last three years and yet you have learnt all this?'

I'm not really certain whether he was questioning how ill I had actually been, or whether he was trying to improve my self esteem, or something else?

I guess in the past I would have panicked that this whole remembering stuff thing meant I was actually fine etc but I am not that bothered. Probably more bothered that I am not bothered...!

Anyway, we talked a bit about my fear that I should be working. He said he thought I shouldn't be considering this till June. And even then I would take another year to recuperate fully. Ignore what other people (like friends) say, he warned. That was quite reassuring but of course now I am wondering whether I misled him. Maybe I am better than he realises...?

He said now was the time to be building up my voluntary work and learning how to cope with life. I said that I find the voluntary stuff boring. He suggested looking for something else and recommended the website http://www.do-it.org.uk.

We talked a bit about my anxiety regarding getting better. I can't really remember what he said. Naomi was suggesting I looked at it not as one big blur but separating it into what getting better means to me and breaking it up into small aims. Actually, I think he agreed. He definitely was saying something about goals for 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks...

He asked me to rate in a scale of 0-100 (0 being worst I have been and 100 being the best) how I am now. I hate putting numbers to it (despite my mathematical nature, or maybe because of it and the want to be precise?!) but I plucked 75 out of the air. I don't really know though. I am really quite functional (I think? At least compared to how I was) but then my mood is still quite all over the place. I don't really know...

Then he wanted me to separate that into percentages for depression, OCD and anxiety. I didn't have a clue but ended up going with the same for all of them. I don't know... I feel like that makes me sound like I am practically fine. But then maybe I am? Sometimes I am. Argh!

I said that I had noticed that when I managed to overcome depression enough to do some cleaning, I would often then become very OCD and just want to retreat to being in bed to avoid the stresses. He thought I should be protecting myself still from situations that could prompt too much contamination stress.

He also drew quite a useful picture. It was a massive scribble with the words depression, OCD and anxiety in it. He then turned the paper over and drew three columns. One for each of depression, anxiety and OCD. He folded the paper along the lines so you could only see one column at a time. He said he wanted me to put (manageable) goals in each column and not think like the scribbled picture. Separating the three issues out makes it feel more under control and I shouldn't get so discouraged. I think that was the message anyway...

He said I was doing well. He thought it was a real shame that I didn't have CBT in place for the moment. I nearly cried as I again missed Lucy.

Didn't feel very well after. Struggled a bit to eat. Naomi and I talked through things a bit. We thought the aim for the next few weeks could be to have structure to all my days. 3 meals a day. Keep up with mood chart and thought records. And try to deal with days where I am not seeing anyone by going for a walk and do a bit of reading.

On my journey back, I really couldn't wait to be off the tube. I had no energy. I became very low. Life looked bleak but I tried not to think about that.

I saw Alice. She was really sad. Previously I would have been really upset by this and some of the thought processes she was evidently having, but I think I have come to terms with the fact that she is probably depressed. I felt ill and became very sleepy. I hadn't had enough sleep though.

After leaving, my mood became really black. That was pretty unpleasant. I struggled to be rational. In my head I did know that there was no reason for (say) Lizzie to dislike me but I strongly felt she did. Similarly with Beka. And it felt very important to me that they would like me. Like if they didn't, it felt like that meant I was altogether unloved. This is faulty thinking in so many ways and I kind of knew it. But I still felt it. I think this is an example of what Lucy used to say about having got too far into the cycle of thoughts to rationalise my way out of it. I just need to be distracted out of it, I think. And that is why I need to be disciplined in working on my thoughts however I feel, in order to protect myself when I am more vulnerable (tired, ill, whatever).

I did manage to calm down a bit before bed, thankfully.