Day 55

Morning d-6 a-5

Felt miserable and low and a bit all over the place. Felt like there was too much to do, couldn't get my head round it all. The future looked bleak, how am I meant to keep going through life?? I hadn't slept well. I'm now wondering whether I might have forgotten to take any mirtazapine last night. I don't remember taking it and that would fit with the poor sleep and the general state I have been in today.

Afternoon d-7 a-6

Things that have been bothering me:
-still using hermes
-Alice and Lizzie both seemed to think I was alright
-downloading the maths
-Lizzie thought that was ok
-cogwheel
-Lizzie said postpone it
-many people to be in touch with
-Jesus please help me
-being a Christian
-really helpful chat with Bibs and Caroline and the sermon: we are justified by faith in Jesus. Christians are all sinners saved by grace.
-fitting things in this week
-Jesus, please give me wisdom on how to spend time and let things work out according to your will
-Lucy
-Jesus please help me
-moodchart
-not urgent, it will get done and it isn't a massive deal anyway. It doesn't have to be perfect.
-iPad not working
-it isn't a big issue
-washing
-it is not urgent
-getting a job
-psychiatrist said not yet
-hopeless
-probably feeling especially bad because of the missed dose of mirtazapine. I don't always feel so bad. There are better times in life. And an incredible eternity with Jesus to look forward to.

Evening d-5 a-6

Went to see Alice but she was really sad. I find it really hard for several reasons:
-I really care and can't bear seeing her so low.
-I don't know what I can do to help
-I feel a sense of responsibility to make certain she is ok at all times
-I am not Jesus. He is with her always. The best thing I can possibly do is pray. I can also be a good friend to her but I also need to look after myself. Caroline said even Jesus sometimes withdrew to be on his own.
-it is really confusing having been in a state of hopelessness myself a few hours before to suddenly being the in control one. It is like I was just being silly earlier and am actually fine. This of course is not true.
-furthermore it makes me feel like I don't have much to deal with compared to her and that makes me feel threatened. Silly, but that is the way my brain works. There is this faulty belief that being the 'worst' or 'best' makes me special or more loveable. It doesn't but try telling my subconscious that. Like the 'cleverest', 'thinnest', 'youngest' labels I have striven for in the past.
-I am a CHILD of the ONE TRUE KING, Jesus loves me so much, regardless of how thin, fat, young, old, clever, stupid, pretty, ill, well, nice, funny or anything else I am.

I then went onto church and spent the rest of the evening with Bibs, avoiding home. But I think I felt a bit detached from things.