Becoming who we are

Ceridwen  posted a picture of herself as a child and writes about the qualities we bring with us, the qualities that become “personality” as we age. From early childhood she resisted many of the activities adults chose for her. I was the same way. I came with a rebellious, questioning, strong-willed spirit. I was troubled by racism in my southern environment long before I knew a word for it; and though I tried hard to please my grandparents, I hated dresses and bows and preferred cracking open rocks with a hammer (mica or quartz? I was curious), to playing with dolls.

My uncle was a giant in my childhood--a rough, cruel bully against whom my only defense was to think fast, run, or hide. Note how he holds me for the picture, twisting my arms and immobilizing me. A couple of years after this photo was made, he cut off the pinky finger on my left hand with hedge shears. Against him I strengthened my tendency to rebellion, formulated resistance to power and authority. He taught me to be wary of powerful men; he taught me that physical resistance was hopeless, that only the powers of my mind could save me. By the age of four I was hypervigilant and cautious, unwilling to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap if I could stand on my own feet and bargain for my safety. I’m only now learning to relax that vigilance and to seek and accept tenderness, to trust, to surrender some of my independence. It has been a long journey.

My thanks to Ceridwen and others who are posting childhood pictures of themselves and tagging them OldfashionSP.