Day 77

I woke up this morning feeling a bit different, like I might be able to cope after all. I felt confused and guilty about the fact I had made the GP appointment, but refrained from cancelling it this time.

I basically just tried to sleep as much as I could until 1pm when I decided I really should go to Tyndale. I did not feel good but I think that was probably mainly dehydration or something.

I practised a bit of mindfulness on my journey by trying to find a photo opportunity. I do love blossom and may have spent a few too many minutes trying to photograph it!

There was only really a small amount of very mundane work to do in the library. I felt awful and did nearly cry but managed to do some work before leaving after only an hour. It was all rather dire.

And then, as I walked back into town, somebody threw a load of odd smelling liquid all over me before driving off jeering. In many ways, I dealt with it quite well from an OCD perspective. I didn't know what the liquid was and worried that it could be wee or worse but I kind of just had to keep going. I didn't have time to go home before my GP appointment and I couldn't not touch things so I just went with it and told myself I would sort it out at home. I suppose it was a good CBT-style exposure! I struggled a bit to not take it personally, but I know it isn't and saying things like 'typical' will just feed into a negative thought process. I was a bit confused about how I felt but a teary phone call to my mum helped.

It is actually a year today since I got baptised, but that was an altogether far more pleasant soaking! I am trying to cling onto Jesus but this silly depression is making it hard. I know that Jesus is holding on to me though, however I feel. He isn't going to let go of me (John 6:37).

The GP was not my usual one but I had seen her before. I think she was not feeling very well or something herself because she was a bit abrupt. I think she was trying to be nice though when she saw my despair. It was hard though because it just added to the feeling of people not liking me.

She said the illness made me feel like people don't like me or that I have let them down and like I will never be better but that doesn't make it true. She's right and I knew that, but it is always helpful to be reminded! I apologised for coming when there is nothing she can do but she said it was good to be kept in the loop and give me support. She told me to see my normal GP when she gets back next week.

Anyway I came home and drowned my phone (and almost myself) in disinfectant. I couldn't face putting the clothes in the washing machine just yet but I have put them and my bag in a pile out of the way and cleaned myself.

I am absolutely exhausted and it's only 9PM (and I have only been up since 1...). Possibly still a bit dehydrated actually.

Just so I don't worry about being a fraud, there have been some OK and bearable times as well as the despairing times. But I am not enjoying this hopelessness that seems to be casting quite a greyness on things.