Shy

This is my friend Melissa that is a volunteer at Mercy Corps. She has helped me on the project that I've been working on since November. The photo was taken at work and is suppose to look kinda like an illustration because i'm starting to work on my final project for my Arabic class.

I'm trying to make a book of my daily life here: school, work, friends, whatever else and so I've been taking pictures in "illustration format" so try to make it look more like a book. I'm still working on the details and trying to figure out exactly how I want it to go, but I made Melissa be one subjects. Lucky her.

Yesterday at work, my boss brought up that he wants me to be able to get out to Zataari refugee camp and other field sites like refugee communities up North, that Mercy Corps works in. He kept saying that with this program management I've been forced to be inside working all the time and I need to get out. Then today, he specifically stopped the Deputy Director at work and I to discuss how the Deputy Director needs to start getting me in the field whenever I want to, starting next week and that all I need to do is knock on his door an tell him when I want to go. My boss said I can go anywhere on any project. He said, "anywhere and everything!" Then he said to me, " I'm gonna help you get out to the field the first two times, but then it's up to you. If you wanna go, then you just knock on his door, find out where everyone is going that week and decide if you wanna go too." I kept feeling like him saying he would help at first and then up to me was kinda weird. I kept thinking, "I can knock on his door or talk to him now about it...you've done your part, don't worry. Thanks!" BUT I shrugged it off and let it go.

Then, tonight he called me after work to get updated on the project and then reminded me not to be shy and make sure I go knock on the Deputy Director's door and get out in the field. Its interesting. I started to realize that that was the second time in the last 2 months that my boss has called me shy.

For people that know me, I'm not shy. My past employers would all say the same thing. I can be quiet a bit in the very beginning of new situations, as I'm observing and starting to understand the proper way to act, but I still am never shy and usually takes me a less than a day or maybe few days depending. I've been at Mercy Corps for a little over 5 months now and he still thinks I'm shy.

I been thinking about this a lot since he called a few hours ago and he's right. I am shy at Mercy Corps and I am shy around him. WHY? I realize now that in the past all of my jobs have been with children as a teacher or mentor or teacher's aid. I was always working with kids all day long all the time. Its field of work I know well, feel comfortable in, know I can handle and a situation where I have to be really loud, active and showing my personality.

The work I'm doing now is my first very professional job. A very professional setting, with extremely professional people where I have to act like a constant professional by using professional language (verbally and written), and most importantly, there aren't any kids around. Its a strictly adult environment. Also, I'm working on Program Management, which is all very knew to me, so I think I feel like I need to really prove myself. With everyone in the office, I spend the most time with Melissa (who I am very much a normal loud regular version of myself when its just us) or my boss, who is the director of the entire Jordan office and has years and years of more experience in this field then I do...so I do come off shy with him. I do act like myself, but I don't ask for things and I don't misstep, I don't get too loud or talk too much...I am shy. I'm intimidated.

I guess I never noticed until now. Not until I realized that he has used the word "shy" to describe me twice already. I can't recall anyone ever describing me as shy, so it just caused me to step back for a moment and think, "why would he call me shy?"

It's totally true though. I get it now. I guess I need to step it up and not be so shy. Remain professional, but find a way to not be as intimidated. Not that being shy is a bad thing, but when he mentions it to me it seems to be in reference to him thinking that I'm too shy to step up and ask for what I want...which in that case and in this field of work...I think I do need to work on that a little perhaps. Perhaps.

A big part of that comes from being an intern. A low level little intern. Interns aren't typically known for asking and receiving. Interns jobs are usually to just do what someone asked you to do, do it well and don't complain. So, I guess when I think about it...its pretty awesome to have a boss that is telling me to ask for what I want. Asking me to figure out what I want and then knock on the right people's doors and go get it. Most bosses wouldn't care....so thats pretty cool. I guess calling me shy is kinda nice in a weird way. Nice that he noticed and thought to try to help. Its pretty cool!!