It turns out hell will not be found...

...in the fires below - but in making do and muddling through when you've nowhere else to go... My Asos magazine has arrived. Jack O'Connel features, so I'm happy. And Daniel and Sam featured lightly in my return to the teenage hood last night, so I was happy. Goodbye February, and take the blues with you. It's been an odd month. The honeymoon period ended, I'd say, towards the end of January - some time through or after my ridiculous hours stint. I was doing those hours because I cared. Now it's harder to commit in the same way. But I've been feeling that familiar pull towards the place that I used to get when I was far too dependent on someone else's company. It's horrible being stuck in limbo. Work, travel, gym, home, not really having the energy to leave one and go to the other. Ben and Mark told me something I should have known about myself, and maybe they were right. Either way, it wasn't going so well, and then I felt like I was getting my energy back, a couple of weeks ago, but these things always come and go in waves and I wish I'd learn to learn that. Today something happened that made me feel alive. Past few days, I've been resigned to the fact that we live in an awful world and most of us probably won't for much longer. So f*** it all and let's get high, right? Although not actually high, this is me after all. But then today I saw something that made my blood boil and I cared about it for the first time in a long while. I've been avoiding these fights because they frustrate me... Make me anxious, you could say. Make me writhe and crawl inside myself. But I wanted to get stuck in, I wanted to make a difference. Anyway, at the end of today, the verdict is that it's still tough, and difficult, and strenuous, and ultimately I'm still not sure if it's worth it. When I get sucked into it properly, I never feel up to the challenge, perhaps because I know that certain people can't be swayed and because I have much more faith in stupidity than in my capacity for educating. So for now I'm trying not to get too stuck inside my thoughts. I also realised yesterday when I was agonizing over a conversation, or lack thereof, how self-absorbed I can get when I'm in these states. Here's to being mindful. Here's to trying.