batter my heart

id pretty much rather be doing anything but writing this paper. which is a bummer, since today was supposed to be my solid work day on the paper.

but. i cant sleep anymore. so im really at a disadvantage.

i often have trouble falling asleep. the past three nights have been terrible. last night was especially troubling. i fell asleep from 12 to 4. then couldnt fall back asleep until 7.30. there are a lot of things that make this a terrible situation - for one, of all the times that ive needed to be well rested, this was it. but also there is this terrible despairing helplessness that accompanies my mild insomnia. im not sleeping because i have so much stress internalized in my mind that finally comes to a fore when i lay my head down to rest. i try to ignore it, but the inability to fall asleep makes me more stressed. and then all of the thoughts im trying to avoid come rushing forward, and i have no coherency to make sense of them because i am exhausted - so they suffocate me. and stress me out more. and then the fact that i have passed several hours in this state of intense anxiety and not resting, makes all of it even worse.

needless to say, i feel terrible today. and my paper writing is not going phenomenally.

for your edification, here is one of the john donne poems i am writing on. a phenomenal poem really. and worthy of being read:

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.