thanksgiving = too short

i enjoyed a great thanksgiving. super fun and relaxing. pleasant and calming.

--

unfortunately, thanksgiving is over and i woke up this morning with a feeling of dread. that only grew throughout the day.

finally tonight i decided i couldnt stay in my house any longer just drowning in an utter lack of productivity.

i walked out in the rain and cold, just to feel a little bit more alive. a little bit more human. i felt the cold in my lungs. i sort of felt like sarah from the end of the affair [which you should obviously read].

speaking of this lovely novel. i was looking through it the other day in a desperate measure of distraction and found one of my favorite passages:

"'You needn't be so scared. Love doesn't end. Just because we don't see each other...'

She had already made her decision, though I didn't know it till the next day.

She said, 'My dear, my dear. People go on loving God, don't they, all their lives without seeing Him?'

'That's not our kind of love.'

'I sometimes don't believe there's any other kind.'"

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ive also been looking over some ts eliot poems - particularly the ariel poems. here is some hope to be found in "Journey of the Magi:"

"All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and biter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death."

--

i just discovered something i had never noticed before in that poem. what delight. i am eagerly anticipating advent this sunday. i think it will keep me from despair. refocus me. remind me what is important and what is not important.

i need communion every week. seriously. no more skipping. no matter the reason. i need the sustenance.

"Grant us thy peace."